Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

A little earlier, our brothers-in-arms over at Jalopnik published the secret video CNN intends to play when this world of ours finally ends. Have a look. It is appropriately somber, or whatever, but we at Deadspin think we can do better, because we can. Below is the hot content each Deadspin staff member would drop with his or her last breath, should the sky ever fall:


Boner Dog is my choice, because even while the skies are crashing down around us, I think we'd all be able to look into Boner Dog's sad, shameful gaze and take solace in the fact that even on this day, our last ever, we've still got it better than Boner Dog. - Tom Ley

Yeah, OK, turns out that it's today. But the point stands. - Rob Harvilla

Because it's both the best of humanity, and also the reason we probably don't deserve to exist. - Albert Burneko

If you're picking a video for the end of the world, you're trying to satisfy two requirements. First, that it provide an accurate and favorable record of humanity's accomplishments, and second, that it be sufficiently momentous for the occasion. So it has to be the video for "November Rain." And if it's a fast-moving apocalypse—like, the late stages of a Grey Goo sort of thing—it can just be the part where Slash shreds outside the church. - Barry Petchesky

I'd end on something uplifting—something about two people finding love on this hopeless, doomed little rock of ours. Something like this. - Billy Haisley

Sally Timms can sing us all off the planet. - Tim Marchman

Because the end of the world will be both spectacular and the worst thing imaginable. And you gotta have great classical music. Great classical music paints humanity in the best light possible. Wayyyy better than words. - Drew Magary


Because whatever comes next deserves to know who do this. - Greg Howard

I am gonna miss everybody. - Samer Kalaf

When the world ends, we should all have the grace and dignity to dip out like this cat. No crocodile tears, no futile deathbed confessions, no running. Just scream, "SAIIIIL" and bounce. - Kevin Draper

They know a thing or two about the world ending where I'm from, because we all know Miami ain't long for this world. It's probably gonna end up underwater or blown away by a hurricane or sold off by America in the next housing bubble because, hey man, waterfront is waterfront. So why waste our final moments on earth watching some stupid video when we could be dancing, Miami-style? Take me out, Spam Allstars! - Diana Moskovitz

If the world is ending, there is a significant chance Brady Hoke was in some way responsible. -Tim Burke


I'm with you, champ. - Sam Woolley

Human civilization is going to die, because eventually we're going to kill ourselves. It won't be a long, poetic fade into universal entropy—we're going to strap one too many ACME rockets to one too many asses and light a match. - Kyle Wagner


How are you signing off? Let us know in the comments.

Photo Credit: Associated Press

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