What happens when a college student’s desire for bacon jalapeño mac and cheese inhibits his mind and overwhelms his rationale? Justice rains down upon him.

This nine-minute video—which feels so much shorter than that—shows a kid as he’s being asked to leave the University of Connecticut’s Union Street Market. The manager says he brought an open container of beer into the eatery, which isn’t allowed. The kid, who’s probably named Chad or Luke or something, invokes the rights of America, which do not cover that. The manager asks for the kid’s age; the kid says he’s 19. This would be a good point for sweatpants man to cut his losses, but we’re still only about one minute in.

The kid notices that he’s being filmed. “This is getting posted somewhere, and you’re gonna look like a fuckin’ tool,” the kid says to the manager. The kid, who cannot pull off the socks-and-sandals look, shoves the manager and calls him a fag. The manager repeatedly removes himself from escalating the situation. Various people inside the Union Street Market—chefs, fellow students, possible friends—try to calm the kid down and get him outside before he gets in trouble. He rebuffs all attempts. This tyranny will not stand. Give him his fuckin’ bacon jalapeño mac and cheese, man.

At 5:08, a guy comes up and tries to pull the kid away. He sounds like he’s calling him Luke. Damn, I was right.

A crowd gathers. The standoff continues until 6:15, when the kid pushes the manager one more time. A chef puts the kid in a full nelson and takes him down. The manager assists, and together, they pin him to the floor. A cop shows up a minute later.

“Fuuuuck,” the kid says. “I am absolutely fucked.”

He’s extremely concerned about the location of his shoes.

His shoes are right next to his head.

His bacon jalapeño mac and cheese is nonexistent.

The cop gets him on his feet. The kid tries to spit at the manager before the cop escorts him outside. The two disappear into the night.

I tell you, that bacon jalapeño mac and cheese. It does things to a man.

Update (2:54 p.m.): Here’s another angle of the chef’s takedown, via reader Ryan.

H/t to Kurry


Contact the author at samer@deadspin.com.