The 2015 Comic Con floor is open, which means hundreds of thousands of fans will soon be filing in to talk with comic creators, buy sweet commissioned drawings at Artist’s Alley, and, of course, check out some statues of superheroes wearing skintight costumes that show off their dick bulges. Deadspin investigates.

Technically, we are not at Comic Con. But our sibling site io9 is, and they made a video of cool things they saw from the floor. They have also compiled a wealth of footage of super dicks. Here, we will look at them, and see which one we like the best.

Is it Superman? This is a reasonably good bulge, but not too “super.”

Batman appears to have a powerful bulge. There is some glare, and it’s resting a little weird, and his underlines suggest he is wearing a slinky g-string.

Batman’s dickplate does not make sense in functionality or in the more general design of the armor (the lines are cleaner and less brutal everywhere else), but he might be storing something important in there, like Kryptonite.

Wonder Woman has no bulge and no pants.

Grom (? Garrosh?) Hellscream is wearing an enormous loincloth that does not have much armor on it, so we should assume he has an equally enormous penis. He gets an Incomplete for the purposes of this investigation.

Basically, this is a penis. Attention, Superman: This is really lame, and no one is going to fuck you in this.

Hey, Flash: Pretty boring dickprint for a man in red leather pants.

Is this Black Canary? This is a really boring costume, but she has pants, so that’s a win, but no dickprint, so Black Canary does not have the best super-dick.

GTFO Green Arrow, come on.

Great, another Green Arrow costume, another non-existent dick. Real mature, Ollie.

Now we’re talking. Lego Stormtrooper has a great dick.

Lego Chris Pratt, not so much.

This cat’s nose looks like balls.

I think Superman’s mediocre dick takes it, to be quite honest, but I am willing to listen to some arguments. We are conspicuously light on Marvel crotches, though, and I would really like to see a photo of Thor, who I bet has a magnificent penis, before making a final decision. Please let us know if you have photos of the Marvel booth.


Finally, here is a great drawing of Batman’s dick that I think actually ran on a comic book cover.

Thank you for your time and attention on this matter.

Click here to view this embed.