Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering free coffee, Robin Williams, fake vaginas, and more.
What is the record for number of times a booger has traded fingers while someone's trying to flick it off?
Gotta be in the hundreds. I've had boogers that have been worked into atomically perfect spheres by the time they finally fly off my pinky finger. Sometimes you really gotta WANT it. I feel like a failure if I have to resort to using a tissue.
By the way, let's go ahead and rank the best fingers for nose excavation right now!
The ring and middle fingers are useless, and only a crazy person would pick their nose that way. The pinky is small and nimble and good for getting all the way in, but I use the thumb-and-index pinch move (index finger presses the nose, thumb digs in) for all my heavy lifting. Technically, that means the thumb is inside the nose more often than any other finger, even if the index finger is there to help out.
I told the other people at Deadspin that I used my thumb the most often, and they were repulsed and horrified, so these rankings may greatly differ from your own. I feel like one of those people who stand to wipe their asses now. Let me live.
Robin Williams movies, ranked? Too soon?
Nah, I think it's okay to talk about that. My personal favorites were Good Morning, Vietnam, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, Aladdin, Cadillac Man, Dead Poets Society, and Good Will Hunting. I know I goof on Boston a lot, but deep down, I really liked that movie. It came out in 1997, so it hit me at just the right age, when I was junior in college and well into my NOBODY GETS HOW DEEP I AM phase of existence. College students are the fucking worst. In college, I once wrote a screenplay about a white firefighter who rapes a black lady and then is forced to care for the kid when the kid is a teenager. By then, the firefighter has become a burglar who breaks into houses with an autistic, heroin-addled sidekick. That was my treatise on AMERICA. I really didn't deserve to live past graduation.
Robin Williams also made a lot of bad movies in his time, like Jack and Bicentennial Man and lots of other bombs that I never saw. But I was a really big fan of his when I was a kid. I watched Mork & Mindy a lot, even though it scared me to death: I think there was an episode where an evil alien was trying to get Mork, but they froze him in plaster or something, and then the evil alien chipped out of the plaster to chase Mork and Mindy, and that really freaked me out. (Although that may have been a nightmare of mine, and not an actual episode of the show.)
But by the time he was churning out a lot of assembly-line comedies, I had "turned" on Williams, like Leitch turning on Roger Ebert. You do that sort of thing when you're an asshole, like I am. You turn, and you're like, That guy is so fucking lame now, as if that matters to anyone but you. You develop a very high opinion of your opinion. If blogging had existed back then, I probably would have written a post called ROBIN WILLIAMS IS A COCKSUCKER and then walked away from the computer, blowing off finger guns like a complete tool. So I'm really glad the Internet didn't exist during my personal Thought Catalog years.
Anyway, those are my favorite Robin Williams movies. Good thing I didn't use his death as a convenient way of talking about myself.
Given baseball's stupid unwritten rules and the often over-the-top enforcement thereof, how advantageous of a strategy might it be for a team to enact a policy of hot-dogging all over the bases after every home run? Not just walking slowly, mind you: I'm talking about moonwalking, cartwheeling, or perhaps doing the worm for the entire 360 feet.
Since retaliation would likely come in the form of beanballs, you're basically guaranteeing yourself some number of free bases and ejections of the other team's players. Let's assume for the sake of argument that you could train your team to never retaliate, thereby avoiding ejections themselves. I figure that if your players knew the beanballs were coming, they could minimize the risk of being hit in the face. Also, while common sense dictates that at some point the other teams would get used to it and stop hitting batters, so many players get so wound up about the unwritten rules that I doubt they'd be able to contain themselves. At the very least, this seems like a sound strategy whenever playing a team with Brian McCann on the roster. Thoughts?
Wouldn't injury be a concern? If your team spends 162 games a year getting beaned, they're probably not gonna survive. I know baseball players are really good at pretending like getting beaned doesn't hurt ("I'm just gonna walk around in a circle for a second; that didn't get in my head at all!"), but getting four of them a game for six months is impossible. Even the most macho of baseball douches would crack under the pressure and beg to not get hit anymore.
Plus, baseball teams and players are too proud to adopt this strategy. If it's unwritten rule that any showboating must be dealt with, then it's ANOTHER unwritten rule that you don't use that other unwritten rule to earn a cheap victory. That is not the baseball way of winning a baseball game.
The reason baseball has all these stupid rules is because they are too lazy to institute actual rules that would do the job, or they are too lazy to enforce them. By rule, an ump can call a balk if a pitcher takes too long to throw a pitch. Have you EVER seen this happen? Of course not, probably because it's an unwritten rule that umps should never enforce that written rule. If an ump actually did it, HE would get beaned. So if baseball really wants to curb showboating, they should just make a rule against it and have the balls to enforce it. Then I wouldn't have to hear baseball and golf people swoon over how well players police their own stupid sport.
Is there anything more awkward than, as a husband and father, driving the babysitter home? Personally I blame porn movies and the Penthouse Forum for soiling an innocent act. Other than letting the missus drive the sitter home (and good luck trying to explain to your wife why it's a weird experience), is there any way to make that drive less awful?
Nope. I can't even GREET a babysitter without it being awkward and horrible. We had one come the other week, and I tried to be very casual and be like, Here is the remote, and here are the emergency numbers and stuff, and my wife was like, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you acting so weird?" And I was like, "I'm NOT!" even though I probably was. You want to seem nice, but not creepy. You want to sound old, but not WEIRD old. Meanwhile, all the babysitter wants is for you to fucking leave so she can check her phone. I'm basically banned from talking to babysitters now. I just go upstairs and take a shit while everyone is debriefed.
I'm a recent college grad, and I'm in the awkward transition of starting a career and office job. School has been out for three weeks and I have accomplished absolutely nothing. I duck and dodge tasks as well as deflect them to other people, all while surfing the web and applying to other jobs. How long do you think I can do this until the shit hits the fan?
If you work at the right company, you can last for YEARS. Simply being there makes it hard for people to fire you, because firing people is awkward and expensive. So you can probably get away with being a complete waste of space before the next round of massive layoffs come and you get swept out with the rest of the porn goobers.
I worked an office job after I graduated, and I was just as uninspired and lazy as you were. But I still thought I was awesome. I remember just sitting there, being like When are they gonna promote me? Like, it never dawns on you that you should go do things. If no one asked me to do anything on any day, I REVELED in it. Day off! You don't realize that you're supposed to be spending your time doing productive things even if you haven't been given specific marching orders. It's a really shitty moment in life when you realize that you have to do most everything yourself. I want a robot to do it all, and then I'll steal all of the credit from that robot.
By the way, I started working in 1998, around the time of the dot-com boom, and even back then, the companies I worked for were always scaling back expenses and pay raises because of budget problems and economic malaise and whatnot. And that was back when things were good. They could discover oil and gold in every American's backyard, and the company you work for would STILL tell you that times are tight. "Listen, I know we experienced a $7 trillion windfall thanks to our merger with Burgerdyne Technologies, but right now is just not the right time for you to be asking for a promotion to Junior Assistant Whalefluffer."
What would it take for Alabama to fire Nick Saban? I feel like at this point, he could go full Paterno and come out of it with a raise. I think converting to Islam is a really good start. Can you see him bringing a prayer mat to Bryant-Denny, kneeling while facing east, and praying at the 50? I think they'd have to can him at that point, right?
We're talking about Alabama here, so people were almost certainly calling for Saban's head after that loss to Auburn last year. It takes NOTHING for those people to turn on you. Hell, there are probably Tide fans out there who still believe Saban has more to prove before they finally accept him. "Well, he won them titles, but I ain't see him win MORE of them titles." Those people are so excluding that they can stretch their racism well beyond just black people and gays and stuff like that. In Alabama, you can be racist against other white people if they're not from the same county and shit. "He ain't black, but he sure ain't one of our'n!"
Saban is from West Virginia, so he could win 70 more titles for Alabama, and people there would still look over him like he was an undercover FBI agent. WHAT'S HE UP TO? I DON'T TRUST ANY SOUTHERNER THAT'S FROM THE NORTHERN PART OF THE SOUTH. It would take nothing for fans to start calling for his head: two more years without a title, a conversion to Islam, driving a Honda, etc.
What if a world-class marathoner was elected President? Would the Secret Service swallow their pride and just ride bikes? Or would they bring in other world-class marathoners to run alongside the POTUS?
The latter. Those are Secret Service guys. I assume they're in good shape regardless. If the Prez wants to run a full marathon, then you're running a full marathon in your Rockports.
Is Obama the first president post-slavery to have sex with a black woman in the White House?
No fucking way. Between JFK and Clinton, every base was covered. I know how womanizers work. All of them want to try the full menu. It's just like any college guy. "Bro, I've never fucked an Asian chick before, so I'm gettin' on that shit ASAP!" So JFK absolutely pulled an aide aside once and was like, "I uh err uh, saw that Eartha-er Kitt on the Batman show, and I would like to stick my penis inside of her-uh!" So don't worry: When it comes to fucking women on the sly, our presidents were probably quite progressive.
So my wife just gave birth to our first son six days ago. I took as much time off of work as I could afford to be home, help out, and bond with Junior. Today, I trudged my sleep-deprived ass back to the office, and my wife called in reinforcements to help her get through the day. My sister-in-law (wife's brother's wife) came over to help out around the house, and make sure my wife retained a shred of sanity. Said SIL also has an infant son (six months old) and it was the first time for the boys to meet.
Well, while my wife was taking a catnap, our boy got fussy and was ready to be fed. Rather than wake my wife up, the sister-in-law decided the proactive approach was to whip out her own milk-makers and feed our little guy from her supply. Is it just me, or is this like the weirdest fucking thing you have ever heard!? As much as I'm weirded out by this, I'm also sorta proud of that little guy for getting some strange at such an early age.
It's actually irresponsible for your sister-in-law to do this, because breast milk is a bodily fluid, and can pass on diseases and shit to your kid. Milk "sharing" is apparently a growing trend among mothers who have adopted, as well as mothers who just happen to be insufferable locavore dipshits, but that shared milk is usually screened, and the mothers are tested for drugs and alcohol, etc. There's an agreement to share the breast milk.
You can't just jam any nipple into a kid's mouth without asking the original mom. That's bad form. And now you're in an awkward spot where you have to decide between telling your old lady (and getting her mad) or keeping your mouth shut. That ain't right. I would issue that woman, and her breasts, a stern lecture about modern etiquette.
Went on a trip to Stuttgart to visit my girlfriend's family and saw this (attached) in the airport bathroom. I have so many questions, like, what do you think the product/mechanic actually is? I guess it's an improvement on the classic mile-high jerk-off. Pardon the blurry photo: I was embarrassed to be seen near that in public.
So it came from a vending machine? No good TravelPussy could possibly come from a vending machine. That won't be a quality product. It's probably just a condom you beat off into. When I was teenager, sometimes I would throw on a condom and do my business, because it was like simulating an actual sexual experience with a woman. OH MY GOD I'M WEARING A RUBBER. IT'S ALMOST LIKE I'M DOING IT FOR REAL. I don't think this TravelPussy is gonna do much for the weary traveler that free hotel body lotion can't already do.
Back in the day, I rented a Best of Chasey Lain tape from the local video store, and there was a whole segment of the tape dedicated to Chasey making a mold of her vagina for fake-vagina manufacturers to use. You gotta be real hard up to buy a fake vagina just because it was fashioned from a porn star's vagina. It's not like you're gonna stick your penis in it and be like, "Oh yeah, this is TOTALLY what her vagina would feel like." It's a hole. It's a negative space. You just wasted 80 bucks.
I'm feeling pretty good about busting out 75 pushups in a row. But given the weight distribution in a pushup stance, how much weight am I actually pressing for each pushup? I'm 5' 11", 175 pounds, in a regular pushup position.
There is a chart for this. As you can see, the amount of weight you're pushing changes as you go up and down with each push-up. Suffice it to say, you are not literally benching your weight when you do a pushup. But don't bother telling people that. Tell people you are Ant Man and can lift 70 times your own mass if required. Also, you're working your CORE. Tell people you have a strong core and not to fuck with your core. So much power in that core.
In Canada, people apologize for things that require no apology. For example, when an elevator door begins to close and someone presses the button to get in, they apologize to the people in the elevator for delaying them literally two seconds. There is even a Pizza Hut commercial about it. My question is, what are the most ridiculous things people apologize for that require no apology?
I think a lot of people use "sorry" as a pre-emptive cover for when they're about to do something shitty. Like, if I'm trapped behind someone on a sidewalk and I kind of slip past them, sometimes I let out a perfect white-guy "sorry" to make it look like I'm being considerate, which is NOT the case. I'm not sorry at all. I want those people to get the fuck out of my way. If anything, THEY should be sorry. But I'm the one dropping the sorry so that I can get points for being faux-polite. It's my inner Minnesotan at work.
I'm married, so I find myself apologizing for everything by default, to the point where my wife has asked me to stop saying I'm sorry all the time for everything. "I have to go to a work thing in New York for two days… SORRY." She knows. She knows I ain't sorry. She knows I'm trying to act all sad when she knows that, in reality, I'm DYING to get the fuck out and go get shitfaced. I bet only five percent of all sorry's come from a place of genuine remorse.
Is it better to be the smartest person in your circle of friends or the dumbest? As the smartest, you're probably the leader, but you're surrounded by idiots, yet as the dumbest, your friends probably talk over your head constantly.
It's probably better for you to surround yourself with people who are smarter than you are, but fuck that. I'd much rather have a gaggle of stupid friends and dazzle them with my vast knowledge of old, tired Simpsons quotes. Nice pull, Drewseph!
How many non-medically trained Americans could successfully deliver a baby? We see numerous successful births overseen by ordinary citizens on television and in movies because a doctor can only be reached by telephone. Is the medical information we have received from these theatrical births sufficient to guide the general public, or would legions of children die if all citizens decided to take childbirth into their own hands?
Many children would die. Not ALL of them, just a lot of them. Vaginas are very small, and babies are very large, and so complications happen a lot. The baby gets stuck. The baby's heart rate drops. The cord gets tied around the baby's neck. My second kid was delivered via emergency c-section, and that sort of thing is common, especially with women having kids later in life. No ordinary citizen is of use in those emergency situations. The only time you could successfully deliver a baby is when nothing goes wrong and you weren't really needed at all. The baby could be delivered onto the fucking floor, for all it matters. So many kids would end up dying.
This is why, if your wife or whoever insists on a home birth or a farm birth or an organic vegan glacier birth, try to steer them toward the hospital. I know hospitals suck, and in a perfect world, your baby would be delivered into a silk pillow as smooth world-beat music plays in the background. But childbirth is violent as shit, and sometimes you need a hospital that has many doctors and nurses and scalpels and emergency bags of frozen blood at its disposal. Your harp player isn't well trained in extracting a human from a pus-filled birth canal.
You're a leading astrophysicist, and you just discovered a rift in the space-time continuum that will end the universe as we know it in one year. There is absolutely no way for humanity to avoid this fate from happening. Do you tell everyone the sad news and watch pre-apocalyptic bedlam consume the planet, or keep this information to yourself and let people enjoy their remaining days with some semblance of normalcy? Assume nobody else will make this discovery if you don't say anything.
Nah, there's no point if it's unavoidable. No one will believe you anyway. Human beings will happily ignore your warnings, even if you present mountains upon mountains of evidence for them. "What's that? The seas are rising and Coke gives you butt cancer? WHATEVER GO FUCK YOURSELF." No one would listen to you, so there's no point in beating your head against the wall with these morons just so you can be humanity's greatest buzzkill. I would just walk around the knowledge secret only to me, and perhaps let out a snide laugh anytime I walked by people arguing over a spot in line outside Georgetown Cupcake. Yes yes, squabble over who gets the last red velvet mini. LITTLE DO YOU ALL KNOW WE ARE DOOMED HEE HEE HEE!
Email of the week!
There's a coffee shop a block or so from my house that became my go-to latte place on the way to work each morning. I liked it because it's locally owned, albeit by a French immigrant, but he's a nice guy. The coffee isn't to die for or anything, but it gets the job done, and the owner knew my name and usual order, which I liked. I even came to consider him a bit of a friend.
Over the course of about a year, Frenchy got regular business from both me and my pregnant wife. And as my wife approached the due date, there was a lot of talk between Frenchy and us about what we were expecting, if grandparents were in town to help, etc. Finally, early one morning, the baby arrived. After making sure everything was peachy at the hospital, I returned home to grab our oldest daughter for a visit. On the way I made sure to stop by the coffee shop for a pick-me-up latte and to announce the big news. I showed the owner my hospital bracelet, chit-chatted about the details of the birth, etc., and ordered my usual latte.
I won't lie. A part of me expected, due to my big news and being a regular on a first-name basis, that this one would be on the house. He rang me up. $3.65. I paid and left.
I was flabbergasted. I know as a customer, I'm not entitled to special treatment, but after a year solid of regular business, it was kind of offensive to not get a little perk in at least this situation. And you know what? I started going to that place a lot less. A LOT less. Until eventually I didn't go anymore at all.
So tell me, did I overreact? He OWED me that coffee, right?
That's a lot of groundwork just to angle for a free coffee, amigo.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. You can also order Drew's book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.
Image by Jim Cooke.
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