Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Which Guitar Solo Should You Fuck To?

Music makes sex even awesomer. But while there's a genre for every type of inter-personal physical expression, it's less clear how to match your accompaniment to specific sex durations. We're here to help.

The average length of a sexual encounter is allegedly about seven minutes, which is the length of the Stones' "Can't You Hear Me Knocking." But the distribution is all over the place, as men two-pump-chump it nearly half the time, only lasting for, like, two minutes. Which isn't even enough time to howl out the whole of "Immigrant Song."

One factor affecting time discrepancies is age: Young bucks pump it longer than old men. In a multi-national study, men aged 18-30 lasted about two minutes longer than those over age 51 in "intravaginal ejaculatory latency time." To break time factors out further, there's sex-duration calculators, some of which even let you control for foreplay and circumcision. And since the guitar is a sexualized instrument that ladies allegedly get hot and bothered by, it seems like a safe bet to fuck to guitar solos. The problem is finding the proper length. That little blip in "Living Loving Maid" isn't gonna help in a prolonged shag sesh. Nor will "Freebird" do you any good when you want a quickie.


So here are some demographic categories; their average sex duration (technically, more like their average time of first-load release, which isn't always indicative); and guitar solos of comparable length. Remember that these calculators rely on self-reported data that isn't always transparent, and would likely be shunned by academic journals, but people who work at academic journals don't have sex at all. No need to thank us—the tips are on us. But just the tips.

Demographic: American, 20, circumcised
Average Duration: 6.5 minutes
Suggested Accompaniment: The Allman Brothers, "Jessica"

Demographic: American, 30, circumcised
Average Duration: 5.5 minutes
Suggested Accompaniment: JerryC, "Canon Rock"

Demographic: American, 30, uncircumcised
Average Duration: 5 minutes
Suggested Accompaniment: Television, "Marquee Moon" (4:27 on)

Demographic: American, 45, circumcised
Average Duration: 3.5 minutes
Suggested Accompaniment: Metallica, "Ecstasy of Gold"

Demographic: American, 55, circumcised
Average Duration: 2.5 minutes
Suggested Accompaniment: Pink Floyd, "Money" (3:06 on)

Demographic: Canadian, 55, circumcised
Average Duration: 2.5 minutes
Suggested Accompaniment: Rush, "2112: Overture" (2:01 on)

Demographic: American, 70, circumcised
Average Duration: 1.5 minutes
Suggested Accompaniment: Van Halen, "Eruption"

Demographic: American virgins
Average Duration: 10 seconds
Suggested Accompaniment: Minutemen, "Political Song for Michael Jackson to Sing" (:49)

Lead image by Tara Jacoby.

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