Showtime is bringing back Twin Peaks soon, much to the delight of your weird uncle and a lot of random folks on Twitter who think it's way cool that David Lynch does weather reports online.

Before we fall down this rabbit hole, I'm going to tell you that my parents took me to see The Elephant Man when I was a kid (please don't do this to your kids), and I've blocked out most of it from trauma. I have seen maybe 20 minutes of Twin Peaks, and I hated it. I sat through 20 minutes apiece of Wild at Heart and The Straight Story before turning both movies off, because I hated them. Like, deeply hated them. They made me want to kill myself. I have never seen Blue Velvet or Mulholland Drive, both by design, because I do not like David Lynch. To me he's just some freakshow making freaky movies designed to be praised by suburban film critics for being so bold and daring. So Twin Peaks can eat a dick, far as I'm concerned.

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That sentiment is… uh, not widely shared. Lotta Lynch fanboys out there, including people on the Deadspin staff. Here they are all shouting at me, and then shouting at each other.

drew [1:03 PM] Harvilla, do we have any Twin Peaks hot takes?

drew [1:03 PM] Because David Lynch sucks.

harvilla [1:03 PM] that's a pretty hot take

harvilla [1:03 PM] we do not at present have a hot twin peaks take. David Lynch Sucks would be a fine post on our website

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barry [1:04 PM] Does anyone under the age of, say, 35, even have an opinion on Twin Peaks?

Tom Ley [1:04 PM] i had absolutely no idea what twin peaks was until yesterday and so i watched a few clips on youtube and i was a little weirded out tbh

Greg Howard [1:04 PM] no

harvilla [1:04 PM] that's the desired effect tom

billy haisley [1:05 PM] david lynch is dope

Tom Ley [1:05 PM] and then i saw all these motherfuckers on twitter who i know are my age tweeting about how excited they are for twin peaks

Tom Ley [1:05 PM] and i was like :expressionless:

Greg Howard [1:05 PM] i could watch twin peaks and give opinions

Tom Ley [1:05 PM] yeah that's a good idea actually

Greg Howard [1:05 PM] i could have a lil twin peaks recaps and opinions jam

Tom Ley [1:05 PM] can you even acquire the old series these days?

Samer [1:05 PM] twin peaks podcast

harvilla [1:06 PM] why yes you can

billy haisley [1:06 PM] it's on netflix

harvilla [1:06 PM] they just put out some nutso thing

harvilla [1:06 PM] or are about to

marchman [1:06 PM] David Lynch is a god damn genius. David Lynch Sucks is a trash take.

harvilla [1:06 PM] David Lynch Is Fine

Tommy Craggs [1:06 PM] wait

Tommy Craggs [1:06 PM] what

Tommy Craggs [1:06 PM] what's happening in here

marchman [1:07 PM] The staff is laying in strong anti-David Lynch takes

Tommy Craggs [1:07 PM] "blue velvet" sucks

Greg Howard [1:07 PM] i mean we could do this

Tommy Craggs [1:07 PM] "twin peaks" is amazing

Greg Howard [1:07 PM] i think i'll be the judge of that

harvilla [1:07 PM] wow

marchman [1:07 PM] Craggs, you're out of your god damn mind

Tommy Craggs [1:07 PM] no

harvilla [1:07 PM] that is splitting the atom

marchman [1:07 PM] Blue Velvet is the second-best film of the 1980s

Greg Howard [1:07 PM] how many seasons is that jam

Tommy Craggs [1:07 PM] no

billy haisley [1:07 PM] 2 seasons

Tommy Craggs [1:08 PM] you just need the first season, though

Greg Howard [1:08 PM] i think i'll do both, thanks

Tommy Craggs [1:08 PM] second season goes off the rails

billy haisley [1:08 PM] blue velvet does not suck

harvilla [1:08 PM] second season is a trip

Tommy Craggs [1:08 PM] "blue velvet" sucks

marchman [1:08 PM] Second season is junk; first season is perfect

marchman [1:08 PM] Blue Velvet is great

Greg Howard [1:08 PM] second season sounds like basura but i'll see for myself

drew [1:08 PM] I've gotten through twenty minutes of Wild at Heart and The Straight Story and hated both

Samer [1:08 PM] i don't think i've ever seen a david lynch thing

marchman [1:08 PM] Brad Dourif's performance in Blue Velvet is flawless

harvilla [1:08 PM] i liked 'the straight story'

drew [1:08 PM] Isn't blue velvet all rapey?

harvilla [1:08 PM] (and 'twin peaks' for the most part)

drew [1:08 PM] I don't need all that rapeyness

marchman [1:09 PM] The scene where Laura Dern is talking about her dream is the funniest American film scene of the decade

harvilla [1:09 PM] i watched literally like a 10-second clip of 'inland empire' on youtube and it scared the crap out of me

harvilla [1:09 PM] i will never do that again

drew [1:09 PM] David Lynch is all weird and kewl to mess with all the squares

billy haisley [1:09 PM] eraserhead is great too

marchman [1:09 PM] No, David Lynch is just a big ol' square

drew [1:09 PM] No he's not he's a deliberate freak

Tom Ley [1:09 PM] will twin peaks give greg ample opportunity to write things like "he looked your boy dead in the face"

tomscocca [1:10 PM] LOL festival of atrocious David Lynch takes in here.

tomscocca [1:10 PM] Twin Peaks is great; Blue Velvet is great.

drew [1:10 PM] STAN

tomscocca [1:10 PM] That is all.

drew [1:10 PM] STANNY STAN STAN

tomscocca [1:11 PM] I didn't tell you to watch FIRE WALK WITH ME, dum-dum.

Tommy Craggs [1:11 PM] "blue velvet" is "jeff koons: the movie"

Tommy Craggs [1:11 PM] "blue velvet" is "that dumb fucking michael jackson monkey art piece: the movie"

tomscocca [1:11 PM] .... no?

marchman [1:11 PM] No, Blue Velvet is a sequence of literally perfect scenes

Tommy Craggs [1:11 PM] no

drew [1:11 PM] "Blue Velvet is the second-best film of the 1980s"

harvilla [1:11 PM] 'mulholland drive' though

drew [1:11 PM] Aren't we all dying to know Marchman's #1?

Tommy Craggs [1:12 PM] i like how he said second-best so we would have to ask what fucking no. 1

Tommy Craggs [1:12 PM] that's how you do hot takes

marchman [1:12 PM] Dean Stockwell singing "In Dreams" cannot be improved

marchman [1:12 PM] Brazil is obviously #1

drew [1:12 PM] Oh FFS

billy haisley [1:12 PM] brazil fucking blows

harvilla [1:12 PM] hahahaha

kyle [1:12 PM] i like when the dads argue about things from their youth

drew [1:12 PM] Make anything weird and Marchman's on it

barry [1:12 PM] Big shocker. Marchman likes Terry Gilliam.

Burneko [1:12 PM] blue velvet is terrible

Tom Ley [1:12 PM] i like when billy can somehow hold court in these dad arguments

marchman [1:12 PM] These are plain vanilla movie takes

Tommy Craggs [1:12 PM] billy is a closet dad

Tom Ley [1:12 PM] yung dad

billy haisley [1:13 PM] yeah but like the coolest dad

drew [1:13 PM] He's quiet and angry enough to be a dad

tomscocca [1:13 PM] "Blue Velvet is terrible" is just a challop.

drew [1:13 PM] What is a challop

Samer [1:14 PM] drew: challenging opinion, i think

barry [1:14 PM] does a challop differ from a hot take?

Tommy Craggs [1:14 PM] "blue velvet" is a favorite of film-school types because it allows them to sneer at the rubes

tomscocca [1:14 PM] A hot take is a reaction to an event.

Tommy Craggs [1:14 PM] hence: "jeff koons: the movie"

marchman [1:14 PM] A challop is a challenging opinion that the person offering it doesn't actually believe, or expect anyone to believe he believes

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tomscocca [1:14 PM] A challop is something that the person carries always around waiting to deploy.

Burneko [1:15 PM] blue velvet isn't even genuinely weird; it's superficially weird, and actually boring as hell

billy haisley [1:15 PM] blue velvet is way too straightforward to be a film-school type favorite

marchman [1:15 PM] "Blue Velvet is trash" is definitely a challop

marchman [1:15 PM] It's not weird at all, it's a very conventional movie

Tommy Craggs [1:15 PM] that's a challop

marchman [1:15 PM] It's just exceptionally well done

Tommy Craggs [1:15 PM] "blue velvet is not weird" is a challop

tomscocca [1:15 PM] Never imagined Deadspin would be so fired up for Columbus Day.

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barry [1:16 PM] can't we start a "Deadspin olds" room and take this conversation there?

marchman [1:16 PM] How is it weird? It's bog standard suburban anomie

drew [1:16 PM] Stop saying challop. Now I want seafood

Burneko [1:16 PM] hahah

tomscocca [1:16 PM] "Anomie" Jesus Christ Marchman.

harvilla [1:16 PM] hot take: the word 'challop' sucks

Greg Howard [1:16 PM] just immerse myself in twin peaks

Tommy Craggs [1:16 PM] "bog standard suburban anomie"—and this is your second-favorite movie of the '80s?

Greg Howard [1:16 PM] 72 hours of that twin peaks life

Samer [1:16 PM] :toilet: :toilet: :toilet:

Tom Ley [1:16 PM] is this how you guys felt when we talked about jaden smith music for like an hour?

drew [1:16 PM] I'm posting all this, by the way. This is now a post.

marchman [1:16 PM] I don't look for moral messages in film, I just want it to be well done

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Tommy Craggs [1:17 PM] challop: "valley girl" is a better movie about suburban anomie than "blue velvet"

Tommy Craggs [1:17 PM] challop: "valley girl" is a better movie

Tommy Craggs [1:17 PM] period

harvilla [1:17 PM] really looking forward to greg IM'ing me after the 'twin peaks' pilot being like "yeah, no"

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tomscocca [1:18 PM] Craggs still waiting for someone to engage with him on Jeff Koons.

tomscocca [1:18 PM] Out picketing the retrospective.

tomscocca [1:18 PM] With a hand-scrawled sandwich board.

Tommy Craggs [1:18 PM] craggs still waiting for someone to prove him wrong

marchman [1:18 PM] Actually, I'm going to backtrack

Tommy Craggs [1:19 PM] "that dumb fucking michael jackson monkey art piece: the movie"

marchman [1:19 PM] "The King of Comedy" is the best movie of the 80s

Burneko [1:19 PM] what in the damn hell

harvilla [1:19 PM] this slack is somehow worse than the dead-bird slack from yesterday i somehow avoided


Image by Jim Cooke.