Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

There Is No Excuse For Drinking Heineken

Illustration for article titled There Is No Excuse For Drinking Heineken

An editor at a more hopeful outfit recently asked me to write a few paragraphs about the best new beer of 2014. I chose an expensive saison, because that's the kind of thing I like, and he had no problem with the selection, but requested that my article explain why it would appeal "to a Bud Light drinker." I wrote some bullshit in that direction, because I'm a coward and a whore and I do what I'm told, but between you and me: Expensive saisons emphatically DO NOT appeal to Bud Light drinkers.


I say this without malice toward Bud Light drinkers. Sure, I would love to live in a more tasteful world where our best-selling beer didn't suck, but I don't really care who drinks what, and I've had several hundred Bud Lights myself. My favorite bar offers discounts on Bud, Bud Light, and Yuengling every afternoon, and I'm not made out of money or whatever inferior fiber leads one to Yuengling appreciation, so sure, I'll drink a Bud Light.

So here are my two major opinions regarding Bud Light: a) It sucks wicked bad; b) but go ahead and drink it if you like. As someone who wastes way too much time and energy thinking about beer, I completely understand the impulse to just pledge allegiance to one brand and get it over with. And if you're going to go that route, it makes a certain amount of sense to pick Bud Light, because it's relatively cheap and everyone sells it and the ads are everywhere and resistance is futile.

Beer promiscuity is a relatively recent phenomenon: Think back to what your parents drank when you were growing up. Did they come home with a different six pack every night? My father was a Bud man until he turned 30, then he switched to Miller Lite, and he didn't veer off that course for the next 25 years, because why would he? Miller Lite did its job. He could just as easily have gone with Bud Light, which also fulfills the major requirements: It is wet and it contains alcohol.

Despite the aforementioned cowardly whorishness, there is one beer article I refuse to write: I've turned down several invitations to add to the "What Your Beer Says About You" dung heap. Your beer choice reveals precious little about your personality. Mating for life with Bud Light is like putting ketchup on a hot dog: an odd move, and a disgusting one, but not one with larger implications. I distrust anyone who feels too strongly about another person's choice of beer or condiment. Who gives a shit?

There is one exception, of course. If you drink Heineken, you are a moron or a monster.

Bottled Heineken is almost always skunky-tasting, you see, because too much of the branding is based on the green glass, preventing them from doing the smart thing and switching to brown glass that better blocks the UV light that kills beer. And canned and draft versions are almost as bad, suggesting that the skunkiness has become part of the intended flavor profile (I've heard that both Heineken and Corona intentionally light-shock their beers before canning and kegging in order to meet their customers' expectations of shittiness, but I can't confirm this.)


If you can avoid the skunk, you're still left with a thin, watery, too-sweet, over-carbonated beer. A Bud Light, if you will. The major difference is that Heineken drinkers think they're projecting some sort of sophistication, and they're willing to pay an extra buck a beer to do so.

If you drink Bud Light, you're just looking for a cheap, easy buzz. There are better ways to go about this mission—get PBR or Schlitz and save a couple dollars while drinking a better beer—but Bud Light's at least on the right wavelength. Heineken is overpriced and tastes almost aggressively crummy. Bud Light tastes like a bad version of water, whereas Heineken tastes like a bad version of a skunk's ass.


Do not pay extra for liquefied skunk ass.

This is Drunkspin Daily, the Concourse's adequate source for booze news, reviews, and bullshit. We'll be highlighting a beer a day in this space; please leave suggestions below.


Will Gordon loves life and tolerates dissent. He lives in Cambridge, Mass., and has visited all of the other New England states, including, come to think of it, Vermont. Find him on Twitter@WillGordonAgain. Image by Jim Cooke.

The Concourse is Deadspin's home for culture/food/whatever coverage. Follow us on Twitter.