Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

People have a lot of things to say on how to Tinder, but my main piece of advice would be this: Don't be gross. Yes, open with something more interesting than "Yo" or "Hey" or "Howdy." (Please don't use "Howdy.") But mostly, don't be gross. Also, please don't repeat any of these opening lines a few men have tried on me.

This is bad:

Hey, I could use a quickie. ;)

I don't know what's worse: that he actually said "quickie," or that he included a winky-face emoji. It was like 8 p.m. on a Tuesday, and I was walking my dog; I unmatched and promptly moved on.

Another thing I would definitely not open with is the following:

I'm going to slay you sexually

I gasped and threw my phone against the wall: Apparently I was so taken aback I thought some grimy Tinder troll was going to appear from inside my phone, like a slimy genie from an iPhone-shaped lamp. Look, just don't be gross. It's not hard. OR, maybe? Be gross as hell so it saves me the trouble of figuring out later that you are truly gross as hell. Again, I unmatched and moved on and bathed my phone in bleach.

For good measure, I'll throw in an opening line that I actually felt was solid:

Hey, what do you think of the new J.Cole?

That I can actually work with. It's conversational! It's interesting! It's not a proclamation that you're going to crush my lady parts, which doesn't sound fun for any of us. Besides, we met via a software-based stab at human interaction, and we don't really know each other that well. But if you've learned anything today, it's this: Don't lead with the sex stuff. Oh, and don't be gross. Please don't be gross.


Art by Sam Woolley

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