Screenshot: Mac and Me (Youtube)

Maybe you have seen the news that ... well, what, exactly? Near as I can tell the “news” is that lots and lots of Navy pilots have seen UFOs, but that somehow none of them have recorded anything but grainy, indistinct, Classic Arts Showcase–ass video of blurry dots which we’re meant to believe are traveling very fast and/or making extreme flight maneuvers at speeds that ought to be impossible. I guess the aliens designed their high-performance ships to look like frickin’ cotton wads?

Anyway the takeaway seems to be: Aliens. Many of my anus colleagues here at Deadspin have latched onto this idea. They are saying things like “Then explain why there was no EXHAUST PLUME” and “Explain why the pilots wouldn’t have been turned to goo by the G-forces” and “Aliens get shot at every day I bet.” They are evaluating alien theories, such as that these aircraft are capable of nimble hypersonic maneuvering because of alien alloys, or that these are the robotic sentry drones of an advanced spacefaring civilization, or that shooting at the UFOs likely would spark an interstellar war and therefore is a bad idea.

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Well guess what, you bunch of bozos! I have a frickin’ theory, and it’s that the aliens are not real, all of this is a bunch of baloney, and also that the aliens are total cowards who are afraid to show their ugly faces to an actual good-looking species, the humans! You know I’m right, because the aliens have not revealed themselves to disprove this very blog, which I am certain they would read if they were real, which they are not. Where are they? They don’t have the guts and/or physical existence to show themselves!

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What are those pilots seeing up there? It’s probably nothing. I’m sure somebody just threw a frisbee too high in 1946 and the jet stream caught it and it’s been circling the earth erratically ever since. Or like a tin dinner plate from some old-time mining camp. A tornado shot it up into the stratosphere in 1851 and it’s just zipping around up there confusing pilots. Hell, there’s probably like at least 15 frisbees up there by now. Just buzzing around, hovering and then rocketing off in random directions, riding the air.

These objects are much bigger than frisbees and plates, you’re saying. Also there’s no reason why a frisbee and/or a plate wouldn’t just fall back to earth, due to gravity. Also frisbees and plates can’t make high-speed aerial maneuvers. Okay fine. They’re aircraft of some sort. Big whoop! I’m sure it’s just military drones or whatever. No way the aliens developed aircraft capable of that kind of flying. Aliens? No. I think not. Those guys are losers; you’re expecting way too much of them. Also they’re not real.

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Listen. You’re getting lost in the weeds, here. I am a big-picture kind of guy. The big picture here is that it’s not aliens, which are an optimistic yet childish fantasy for silly doofuses who wish not to be alone in the cold, dark universe, and who also, as a species, lack the courage to disprove these claims by landing a flying saucer in the level part of my driveway this evening and submitting themselves to being photographed by me.

That makes no sense, you’ve moved onto saying. How can aliens be both not-real and also cowards? It’s not my responsibility to sort this out! The burden of proof is on the (fake) aliens, to prove that they not big chickens! All I am saying is that they do not exist, and also that they are shivering ninnies pissing their space-diapers at the thought of confronting me in my driveway this evening, preferably before sundown so that the conditions will be favorable for good photography. Their pathetic cowardice sickens me. They’re not real, and also the shame of the universe. Their (fake, imaginary) mothers’ neighbors ask what the kids are up to these days and she just says “They died” because the truth is more embarrassing: That they don’t exist at all, and also have no balls, or whatever organs a purely hypothetical, non-existent interstellar alien species would use to produce male gametes and hormones for bold and aggressive behavior, given that they would possess those or would even broadly possess analogues for earthling sexual reproduction. Or whatever! I am not a biologist!!!

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In conclusion, I could kick the ass of any alien, no problem.