Today in Deadspin's staff chatroom, a discussion of bad encounters with animals led to Gawker Art Director Jim Cooke sharing a truly horrifying animal story. The transcript is below. Please be warned that it is approximately 500 times more upsetting than when the little dinosaur chases the mom-shaped shadow in The Land Before Time.
Tommy: jim cooke's brother waterboarded a raccoon in his backyard
Tom Ley: hahahah
Tom Ley: what
Tommy: this is jim cooke's story to tell, not mine
harvilla: like for information
Burneko: what in the hell.
Tom Ley: "TELL ME WHAT YOU DID TO THE GARBAGE"
Burneko: what in the god damn hell
davemc: he outted the possum
harvilla: snitchin'-ass raccoon
Tom Ley: raccoon worse than fabolous
barry: jim: tell us about your brother waterboarding a raccoon.
jim: hi guys
Tom Ley: jim
Tom Ley: tell us
Burneko: "...and that's the time my brother learned of Rodent Moot."
jim: he didn't waterboard a raccoon.
Tom Ley: BOOO
Tommy: it's worse
jim: he murdered it.
jim: he had a raccoon in his back yard.
jim: and he bought a trap for it. one of those live cage traps.
jim: and he caught it.
jim: but then he didn't know what to do with it.
jim: so he called animal control
jim: and they told him that they wouldn't do anything to help.
jim: but said that it was illegal for him to let it go free?
jim: I guess in a residential area... or something.
jim: so I think they suggested "getting rid of it"
jim: I don't know if they specifically recommended drowning, or if he came up with that himself.
jim: so he filled a rubbermaid trash barrel full of water.
jim: and dropped the whole cage in.
jim: but it floated.
jim: so he had to physically hold it down with a broomstick or something.
jim: while it stared up at him, gasping for air.
jim: My brother does not like to talk about this.
jim: I think it really got to him.
Tom Ley: i feel like this is animal controls fault
Tim Burke: Best story
Burneko: today is the worst day.
So. Assuming that you don't have the noose all fitted already, let's hear your horrifying animal stories! Did you get attacked by bees? By squirrels? Did you have to evict an adorable baby seal from your apartment, with extreme prejudice? Let's have 'em down in the discussion section below. I've got a couple I'll drop in there in a bit.
Photo via Getty