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Report: U.S. Navy Cracks Case Of Majestic Sky Dick

Photo: @adamrg (Twitter)

The gigantic contrail dick that graced the skies over Washington state’s Okanogan County in November 2017 was, it has long been known, the work of some number of pilots out of Naval Air Station Whidbey Island. After all, the Navy immediately apologized for the celestial dong, describing it as “unacceptable” and “of zero training value,” which frankly ignores its potential educational value for any wild urologists in the region.

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That it was Navy business is all anyone has known about the event, until today’s release of findings from a military investigation into the the sky dick, reported by the Navy Times. The long and ahh short of it is, the crew of something called an EA-18G Growler jet noticed they were throwing up some bitchin’ contrails during a 90-minute training flight, and soon grasped the opportunity before them:

The [pilot’s cockpit partner] broached it first, according to the investigation.

“My initial reaction was no, bad,” the pilot wrote in a statement after the incident. “But for some reason still unknown to me, I eventually decided to do it.”

Their sky penis plan of attack was captured on their cockpit video recording system, a transcript of which is included in the investigation.

“Draw a giant penis,” the EWO said. “That would be awesome.”

“What did you do on your flight?” the pilot joked. “Oh, we turned dinosaurs into sky penises.”

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The pilot, by this point, was evidently not quite convinced of the true higher purpose of this flight, but he would soon come around:

“You should totally try to draw a penis,” the EWO advised.

“I could definitely draw one, that would be easy,” the pilot boasted. “I could basically draw a figure eight and turn around and come back. I’m gonna go down, grab some speed and hopefully get out of the contrail layer so they’re not connected to each other.”

They theorized on the second-order effects of their nascent sky drawing.

“Dude, that would be so funny,” the pilot said. “Airliner’s coming back on their way into Seattle, just this big (expletive)ing, giant penis. We could almost draw a vein in the middle of it too.”

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No indication is given for why the crew abandoned the vein idea, but I mean to tell you the transcript of this flight is one for the ages, and includes such status updates as “balls are going to be a little lopsided,” and “oh, the head of that penis is going to be thick.” I urge you to read the entire Navy Times report.

Soon after their masterpiece was complete, the pilots apparently grew concerned over how long the sky dick remained visible in the sky, and even endeavored to “scribble it out” with subsequent contrails. Sure enough, back on the ground, they were busted by higher-ups, and immediately fessed up to their actions. Any discipline they may have received has been kept under wraps, although the investigating officer recommended “non-punitive letters of instruction.”

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