Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Please Stay The Fuck Out Of This, Canada

Photo Credit: Evan Agostini/Getty
Photo Credit: Evan Agostini/Getty

As much of a nightmare as this election season has been, we were at least able to take solace in the fact that we, as a nation, could sink no lower. But even that’s no longer true. Because now, Canada thinks they’re better than us. These are truly our darkest days.

According to The New York Times, the video above was made because “some Canadians” decided that we “needed a cross-border pep talk.” And it is the smarmiest, most condescending bullshit I have ever seen.

But don’t take my word for it, let’s hear what these wannabe monarch lackeys have to say for themselves:

“We’re just up here in Canada talking about how great you guys are down there.”

No, you’re not.

“We thought we’d just send you a little love note. We like you guys.”

Shut the fuck up. You’re watching this election in horror just like the rest of us. Don’t lie to me, you maple syrup-drinking pricks.


“We know you’ve got some really big decisions to make, but as you’re thinking about your future, we just want you to know that you guys are great.”

We’re not that great! We do a lot of bad things to this planet and the people who live on it.

“You’re so wonderful and warm and accommodating. When things are tough, you fight to make them better.”

You know what else probably felt warm and accommodating? The smallpox blankets we handed out to Native Americans.


“We all love you. And we think you’ve always been great.”

You know what Canada is? Canada is your annoying friend who insists on coming over with a bottle of wine (girls night!) to tell you how everything is going to be just fine even though you got laid off, put your dog down, and found out your husband has another family—two houses down. You tell Canada that you really just want to be alone right now, but Canada insists. Then, after two hours of Canada telling you that, no, it’s actually a good thing that you are 35 years old and have no job, pets, or relationship prospects, Canada goes home to its loving family and leaves you drunk and more miserable than when you started.


What I’m trying to say is, let us suffer in peace, Canada, and kindly fuck off.

Ashley Feinberg used to work here.

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