The last time we saw Ohio Supreme Court Justice and prolific Facebook user Bill O’Neill around these parts, he was taking the “draft dodging millionaires” of the Cleveland Browns to task for kneeling during the national anthem. O’Neill is self-evidently a man of many passions, but mostly he loves to post online, about his dog and his rowdy sons and whatever else is on his mind. This afternoon, O’Neill addressed the sexual assault allegations against Al Franken, by which I mean he bragged about bedding a ton of hot ladies. Surely the thing his nascent gubernatorial campaign needs is a tale about making “passionate love” in a “gorgeous blonde’s” parents’ hayloft.

Now that the dogs of war are calling for the head of Senator Al Franken I believe it is time to speak up on behalf of all heterosexual males. As a candidate for Governor let me save my opponents some research time. In the last fifty years I was sexually intimate with approximately 50 very attractive females. It ranged from a gorgeous blonde who was my first true love and we made passionate love in the hayloft of her parents barn and ended with a drop dead gorgeous red head from Cleveland.

Now can we get back to discussing legalizing marijuana and opening the state hospital network to combat the opioid crisis. I am sooooo disappointed by this national feeding frenzy about sexual indiscretions decades ago.

Peace.

In an earlier version of the post (pictured above), O’Neill said “It ranged from a gorgeous personal secretary to Senator Bob Taft (Senior) who was my first true love,” and it appears to have been edited to clarify that Senator Bob Taft (Senior) was not O’Neill’s first true love and a partner in his hayloft escapade. This is, of course, a fundamental misunderstanding of the difference between having consensual sex with someone and making unwanted sexual advances, as Franken was accused of. But don’t just take it from me. Here’s Ohio Democratic Party chairman David Pepper correctly calling out O’Neill for boneheadedly conflating credible sexual assault allegations with “being a horny guy.”

Several other politicians said they’d no longer be endorsing or supporting O’Neill. Finding himself at the bottom of a hole, O’Neill continued to dig.

“Roy Moore apparently seems to be a challenged individual when it comes to morality,” O’Neill said. “I think that’s very, very clear. He’s been convicted of nothing and he’s never had the opportunity to defend himself and that violates due process in America. The media is about to determine the election of a United States Senate campaign.”

Congrats to O’Neill for fucking, and also on ruining his political future by bragging about it.