Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

If you’ve been on the internet this week, you’ve probably seen some fresh headlines about the new Suicide Squad movie. That’s because Empire magazine has an exclusive spread of photos in its latest issue, and that means it’s time for everyone to get hyped about Harley Quinn’s eye makeup and whatnot.

I mean, just look at this:


There’s nothing wrong with geeking out over some set photos—scrutinizing the Joker’s tattoos is a fine way for any fanboy to spend his or her time—and this latest burst of stories may have gotten you excited to see the movie. You know what else probably got you excited to see the movie? The trailer, the steady stream of set and cast photos, the magazine features, the stories about the on-set therapist, and the 500 interviews in which Jared Leto details how frickin’, like, crazy it was to, like, embody the madman that is the Joker. It was, like, really frickin’ wild. What I’m trying to say is, you’ve been hearing about this movie for over two years now, and you’re probably very ready to see it already.

Well guess what, fuck-o, this goddamn movie doesn’t come out until August 2016. That’s in 10 months! That’s almost a year from now! We could all be dead by then!

“Impossible,” you’re probably saying to yourself right now. “I was but a child when I first heard about this movie, but now I am grown. Surely, it must be right around the corner. Please stop trying to play me like this.”

I’m not playing you, my friend. You’ve still got 10 months of “Here’s Our First Hi-Def Look At Harley Quinn’s Baseball Bat” headlines ahead of you, and I think we can both agree that’s not very chill.



I propose a solution to this problem. From now on, as soon as a studio releases the first full-length trailer for a movie, that movie is required to come out in the next six months. The Suicide Squad trailer came out in July 2015, more than a full year before the movie’s release date. The big trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens came out last week, and the movie will be released in two months. I’m excited to see Star Wars; I hope Suicide Squad premieres in a toilet.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter