Politics, like rap music, is sports. In the throes of competition, tempers flare as the blood gets hot. There’s always some beef. Sometimes, separate parties arrive at blows. Rarely, there’s even gunplay. Within that context, allow us to direct you to the bestest beef of them all, between aides to Republican presidential hopefuls Marco Rubio and Rand Paul.

There’s a GOP conference today in some place called like Mayonnaise or Mackinac Island, and so yesterday, aides were in a local bar, presumably getting shithoused. Rubio’s deputy campaign manager, Rich Beeson, and Paul’s national political director, John Yob, met at one point. Shit was likely talked, which is good and laudable. The scene ended with Beeson walking past Yob on his way out of the bar, and sorta punching Yob in the face.

The “punch” was a weak and fuckboyish close-fisted mush from a man who has probably doled out hands before, but has never received them in turn. We know that the punch was weak because Emma Roller of the National Journal got security cam footage, right here. We also know because Yob took to social media and snitched to the whole goddamn world. Here’s his Facebook post:

Last night I went to a bar on Mackinac Island for the GOP Mackinac Conference I ran into a guy named Rich Beeson, who frankly I didn’t even know who it was at first because he isn’t relevant in our political world. Anyway, he is Marco Rubio’s national campaign manager. He literally physically assaulted me by punching me in the face.

And here are a couple tweets, six hours apart:

Without checking on Yob’s physical well-being, we can report that Yob is fine.

This is today’s GOP, people. Long gone are the mavericks, the movie cowboys, the war criminals of yore. All that remains are toothless psychopaths who speak nonsense in tongues and travel in posses brimming with snitches who wear pleated khakis and act with the conviction of a thousand sleeping lambs.

Four more years.

Photo credit: Getty Images

[National Journal]