Photo: Chip Somodevilla (Getty)

Here we have President Diaper, a fussy young infant who rarely sleeps through the night uninterrupted—and is known to be quite a handful during the daytime as well!—forced to listen for an agonizing 58 seconds as the governor of Washington state explains why arming teachers is a bad idea.

 

As you can see, our lumpy baby President does not like Quiet Time one bit! Watch as he keeps his chin up, almost as if he’d like his entire head to exit the room somehow, so that he doesn’t have to listen to the BORING GOVERNOR give him a BORING LECTURE about why teachers can’t have flash grenades and tactical gear and go PEW PEW PEW OH SHIT YEAH FIRIN’ SWEET GUNZ NEVER GETS OLD, FELLAS!

God, this Governor is so boring. Is it three o’clock yet? When do we get snacks? Why do we even HAVE school? We’re not gonna use any of this stuff when we become President! This big meanie is acting like the President did something wrong, but he didn’t! WHY ISN’T JOHN KELLY IN HERE? HE’S THE ONE WHO DID ALL THE BAD STUFF!

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Gaze in wonder as the nation’s foremost 3,728-week-old bobs his head and nods, attempting to distract himself from the TOTALLY LAME GROWNUP WHO SHOULD HAVE A BUCKET OF SLIME DUMPED ON HIM. It’s almost like you can hear “Wheels on the Bus” playing out loud between his ears! Kinda cute, really. Governor Jay Inslee, your diatribe about safer schools is not appropriate here, sir. You are interfering with Imagination Time!

Next time you want to get through to our wailing infant of a President, don’t use words! They are very big and scary. Why not swaddle him in soft blankets instead and show him sort of nice chart? Perhaps one with his face on it? Babies respond to faces really well! It makes them happy! Or try giving him a WHOOZIT!

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For real, what a completely worthless bag of shit this President is.