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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

I Could Defeat At Least Eight Of This Year's Most Influential Teens

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Today, Time released its list of the 30 most influential teens of 2015. It’s a wide-ranging list that includes celebrities, athletes, entrepreneurs, and Malala. They’re all wonderful, inspirational kids. After looking through the names, I’ve determined that in a fight, I could kick the asses of at least eight of these teens before they beat me.

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The breakdown of the list is 10 boys, 20 girls, so I only have 10 teens to choose from, because I’m not going to hypothetically beat up a girl teen. Out of those 10, with no weapons involved, I could beat up eight. A breakdown of each opponent, if they came at me one at a time:

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Absolutely. He’s 13. Moziah would be the warmup. I’d hit him with a bunch of devastating ankle picks.

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Ahmed, my man. It sucks that you’re moving to Qatar, but if I had no other choice, I’d destroy you. Your gizmos wouldn’t save you in the cage.

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Yes. Next.

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Martin’s an athlete, so this would be tricky, and he’d probably resort to kicking quickly. Kicking’s allowed, but it’d just take longer for me to knock him out. The hype might not get to his head, but my fists would.

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This kid has deceptively broad shoulders, but I’d take him down in under six seconds so he could Vine it.

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We meet again, Jaden. The greatest thinker of our time definitely spends time working out, but his peaceful personality is his biggest weakness, and I’d use that to my advantage.

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Here’s a scoop for ya, William: I’m going to whoop you.

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At this point, I’d start getting tired. This influential teen would burn most of my remaining energy, but my hands would influence his face.

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Joshua got arrested for trespassing, and the scariest person to fight is someone with nothing to lose. My fatigue from beating up a bunch of difference-making teens would set in, and Joshua would strike the blow that ended my journey.

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If not Joshua, Kim would definitely incapacitate me. Nineteen-year-olds are barely teens and shouldn’t be allowed on this list.

[Time]

Top photo: AP


Contact the author at samer@deadspin.com.

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