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Pictured: someone’s woke nephew (Getty)

Congratulations! You won the election. Not you, specifically—unless you’re reading this, Mr. Trump, which, now that your name is in it, you probably are—but your people: Real American Men, where “real” means over 45 and white, “American” means suburban- or rural-residing, and “men” means what it used to mean, goddammit. Now it is Thanksgiving, and while you may wish simply to enjoy your meal and watch some Dallas Cowboys football, you face one (admittedly minor) annoyance: Your little shithead nephew is gonna try to argue with you.

“No politics at the dinner table,” say weak-willed women and chickenshit hippies. But your dumbass nephew thinks he’s prepared to face you down. The little twerp actually reads blogs to figure out how to talk to you—seriously, giving advice on dinner table arguments is a liberal media cottage industry, dating back years. All these guides are for spoiled little shits like your nephew, too. No one helps greenhorn roustabouts on oil rigs learn how to talk politics, or writes argument guides for 22-year-old soldiers home on leave. Nope. It’s always your jackass nephew who thinks he knows everything because your sister paid for him to go to some fancy college and he grew up listening to Jon Stewart make fun of people like you, the “racist uncle.”


This year, though, belongs to you. Uncle, this is your Thanksgiving.

Trump only won because of racism!

There isn’t a single president in the history of the republic who didn’t rely on the support of so-called racist voters—including, by your standard, President Barack Obama, who won two elections with the support of countless whites who this time opted to vote for Trump instead. Across the midwest and the Rust Belt, and even up into New England, dozens of counties that supported Obama twice went decisively for Trump this time around.


Trump only won because of misogyny!

Take it up with the 62 percent of non-college educated white women who voted for Donald Trump.


Trump is a Nazi!

His beloved daughter converted to Judaism when she married Jared Kushner, who himself became one of Trump’s closest advisers during the campaign, and will surely have a great deal of influence in his administration. He ought to help make sure Trump doesn’t do too much Nazi stuff.


The Russians stole the election! There’s evidence of irregularities in key swing states!

Your side spent the last month of the campaign attempting to troll Trump by asking him to preemptively accept the results of the election, assuming he’d lose and claim it was rigged. In doing so, you guys also argued—persuasively!—that rigging a presidential election would be extraordinarily difficult, if not completely impossible. So, sorry, you kinda walked right into this one.


If you buy this story, though, and you’re not just clinging to the comforting fantasy that the horrible thing you saw happen didn’t actually happen, you’ll have to explain how the apparently suspicious results that gave Trump his crucial upset victories in those key swing states seem to pretty clearly match up with the results in demographically similar counties in states that didn’t swing Republican. Were the Russians attempting to rig Minnesota and New Hampshire, too, and just came up short? Did they swing a couple upstate New York counties Trump’s way just to make his Pennsylvania victory look more plausible? Maybe! Or maybe you just lost.

Donald Trump is utterly unqualified to be president

Yeah, everyone heard this during the election—Hillary Clinton was the most experienced nominee in history, right?—and apparently it didn’t convince enough voters to matter. What good is “experience” when everyone thinks the country’s in the shitter and the elites don’t care? Voters hear “experience” and they picture someone who’s been selling them out for 30 years. The only real qualifications for the presidency are age and citizenship, and dreaming up additional required credentials is pure elitism.


Hillary Clinton won the popular vote! Most Americans clearly supports Democrats.

A million votes is a rounding error. The total number of people who voted against Hillary Clinton or didn’t vote at all dwarfs her total. Besides, the contest was to win the electoral college—that’s the game Hillary Clinton was playing, too, and Trump won it fair and square, unless you still insist on blaming Vladimir Putin.


You lost! Your side talked for years about how demographic inevitability of progressive victory—all us racist old guys were gonna die off any day now!—and meanwhile you just kept losing every damn election at every level. People support us, and they vote for us, consistently. The Americans who count still want guys like your uncle in charge.

Yeah but Trump has no clue what he’s doing and his entire presidency is going to be a disaster.


What if it works, though? What if the corporate and finance sectors are so happy to have a pro-business guy in there that stocks surge and companies start expanding? What if Trump strong-arms the Fed into juicing the economy through unconventional means—take your “independence” and shove it up your asses, eggheads—and we get a boom after years of stagnation? What if a massive expansion of natural resource extraction—no one’s gonna be listening to the fracking protestors now, that’s for damn sure—boosts employment in depressed communities across the country? What if we do start winning again?

Or what if, at the very least, he’s able to deliver something for his people—people like your uncle over here—even if some other folks have a bit of a rough time of it? What do the next few elections look like then?


Remember, kid: They all laughed at Reagan, too.

Boy, uncle, you don’t really sound like yourself, and none of these talking points seem like they came from your usual sources, like Hannity, or shitty Facebook memes.


Uhhhhhh Hillary Clinton lost because secretly her brain is broken, you can tell by the way she drinks water.

Politics editor, Splinter

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