Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

Here Are The Best And Most Ridiculous Evil Clown Safety Alerts

Photo Credit: Instagram

At this point, “creepy clowns” have been spotted in over a dozen cities, and at least one has supposedly lightly scratched a young boy. Whether or not we’re ready to admit it, our days of being able to walk down the street dressed as an evil jester with a chainsaw are over. Clown Purge has arrived.

In some instances, like in the video above, kids are spotting actual clowns just sort of hanging out. In most cases, though, the reports of cleaver-toting killer clowns are nothing more than hoaxes. The Clown Era will likely end up as a minor blip as far as national hysterias go, but at least for now, it comes with a phenomenal byproduct: official safety alerts from people terrified, bemused, or just generally annoyed by the fast-approaching clown wars.


These are excerpts from some of the best safety alerts we’ve received from schools, hospitals, and police departments across the country.

From a Massachusetts school district:


This is profiling.

From TCU:


Encouraging vigilante stop-and-frisk on clowns is, perhaps, ill-advised.

From a high school:


The quotations seem excessive and also rude.

From a Catholic school:


This one was very, very long.


Gonna be hard for Donald Trump to get around, folks, am I right?

From a Virginia school district:


Clown apologists.

From a hospital:


But, you might be asking yourself, how does one tell the different between an “imposing” clown and an otherwise “normal, shitty” clown? A meat cleaver is usually a good tip-off. In the absence of a giant, novelty weapons, though, look for smaller details like blood, a maniacal cackle, or Jerry Lewis.

From a Connecticut school district:


I disagree with this wholeheartedly. The good and moral thing to do is to teach your children to hate clowns from as young an age as humanly possible.


This is just a good general rule for a long, happy life with friends who don’t hate you.

From a New York charter school:


Honestly, this sounds exactly like something a murderous clown would say.

From a Colorado district attorney:


“Seven clowns are now facing felony charges for making terroristic clown threats.”

They have names, asshole.

From a Texas school district:


Other questionable behavior, however, is apparently fine. This is a new golden age for suspicious non-clowns. Your time has come.

While you should never approach a clown under any circumstances, remember, not all clowns want to kill you. Some are just deeply unfunny and depressing to be around. Avoid those clowns too.

Share This Story

About the author

Ashley Feinberg

Ashley Feinberg used to work here.

PGP Fingerprint: 1B2B 2229 8096 1A6E 7744 8847 F32A CCC5 1E69 7FEDPGP Key