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Hear Me Out: Trump Speech Karaoke

He’s singing “I’ll Make Love To You” by Boyz II Men
Photo: Mark Wilson (Getty Images)

I came within a bladed edge of red death when I went out for karaoke one night last winter, but I do not hold that against karaoke. Karaoke is good sloppy fun, and it gives me a chance to dazzle the world with my signature rendition of “Purple Rain.” Our own Samer Kalaf once led a singalong of “Smooth” that represented the first and only time I’ve ever enjoyed that song. Karaoke is a delight. I will karaoke again. If I do not, the brain hemorrhages will have won.

But who says karaoke should only be limited to music? There’s already standup karaoke—comedians, always such graceful and easygoing folk, are surely enamored of the idea of random puds reciting their material from a de facto prompter in front of live audience. There’s no reason we can’t blow the concept out into other areas, too. Famous sports call karaoke! Movie scene karaoke! Jerky Boys karaoke! TRUMP SPEECH KARAOKE.

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Hear me out on that last one: it can work. IMAGINE IT. Someone who is not me, but who pays me royalties for this idea, combs through all of Trump’s most inarticulate speeches and interview replies, feeds them into a computer, codes them, and prints out a list from which performers can pick their favorites. And then you and your rowdy pals polish off a bucket of shitty MGD bottles and try to plow through one of these classic brain jams in real-time. It’d be like Twister, but for your MIND. Imagine trying to grind your way through cosplaying Trump and spitting out 2,000-plus words of I have a really really really really really big penthouse… lotta people were hot for this penthouse but I got the BEST deal for it. And if some wingnut shows up and tries to read his chosen passage with a straight face, like some elementary school kid doing a report on Lincoln, that would be even BETTER.

Would this become stale and unfunny after five minutes? Yes, absolutely. Would the bar grow incredibly uncomfortable? Yes. Would resistance types bring Trump wigs to the party and instantly render the idea hacky? Yes. Would MAGA slobs channel their inner Franz Liebkind and endeavor, at all costs, to stop this flagrant ridicule of their dear leader? Also yes. Would a local improve group put themselves in charge of staging this and make it far too elaborate? Yes. Would violence break out? Almost certainly.

Should that sour you on my idea? FUCK AND NO. For the past three years, I’ve had to hear about how comedy writers are struggling with Trump because no one can satirize the man as effectively as he does every day merely by being himself. If that’s the case, then you may as well swipe the President’s own words and re-fashion them into their rightful format as a live episode of Drunk History. We can do this. Or, more accurately, YOU can do this, and then give me a cut of the proceeds and the seed money. You’re gonna love this idea, folks. BELIEVE ME.

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About the author

Drew Magary

Drew Magary is a Deadspin columnist and columnist for GEN magazine. You can buy Drew's second novel, The Hike, through here.