Photo: Brian Blanco (Getty)

1. Your soul is an appalling dump heap, overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled-up knots.

2. You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile. (2a. Given the choice between the two of you, I’d take the seasick crocodile.)

3. The three best words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote: “Stink, Stank, STUNK.”

4. Your heart’s a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots.

5. Your brain is full of spiders.

6. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

7. You have termites in your smile.

8. You’re as charming as an eel.

9. You nauseate me.

10. You’re a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce.

11. You’ve got garlic in your soul.

12. I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty-nine and a half foot pole.

13. Your heart is full of unwashed socks.

14. You’re a vile one.

15. Your soul is full of gunk.

16. You’re as cuddly as a cactus.

17. Your heart’s an empty hole.

18. You’re a monster.

19. You’re a foul one.

20. You’re a mean one.

21. You’re a nasty wasty skunk.

22. You’re a rotter.

23. You’re the king of sinful sots.

24. You really are a heel.

25. You’re a crooked jerky jockey and you drive a crooked hoss.