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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Don't Fall In Love With Ted Cruz, Or You'll Live An Unfulfilled Life

Presumably this Heidi Cruz profile, by Elaina Plott at The Atlantic, was written in an effort to provide some sort of human element to Ted Cruz’s re-election campaign, as he is incapable of doing that himself. Instead, it came off as a dire warning of what will happen to a person’s life if they fuck and fall in love with Ted Cruz.

The running theme in Plott’s feature is, Wow, Heidi Cruz is so normal and pleasant to be around, unlike her husband! Maybe she, the Harvard MBA grad and Goldman Sachs manager, should run for office instead of the freaky soup goblin she married. Even an anonymous Houston Democrat who’s quoted can admit she has better political chops than Mr. SexuallPosts.

To be less off-putting than Ted Cruz is a low bar to clear, but the author of the piece is so convinced that there is nobility and grace in Heidi, who set aside her work to support her husband’s political aspirations. She sacrificed her career trajectory so Donald Trump could say she’s unfuckable.


A significant portion of the profile is dedicated to the day when Trump, then merely a deranged candidate in a deranged GOP primary race, called Heidi Cruz ugly. Because she is so noble and graceful, she nobly and gracefully responded to that disgusting tweet by saying that it didn’t affect her:

But really, she stressed: The photo didn’t bother her. She was able to regard the situation rationally—just like her husband. “These things don’t bother Ted. He’s not saying, ‘Oh, I feel so bad; they think my wife’s ugly. You’re so pretty, Heidi. You’re not ugly,’” she said. “He’s like, ‘Hah! That was the worst move he’s ever made.’” She laughed at the memory.

Oh, what a hearty laugh they had. Donald Trump is currently the President of the United States, and the only people who like Ted Cruz are related to him, his daughter and father excluded. Not only was Heidi unfazed by a Republican presidential candidate calling her ugly, she admitted that she looked like shit in that photo:

But it would be understandable if Heidi found her two selves in conflict that evening. There was Campaign Heidi, yes, the one who could force herself to feel nothing by remembering this was a decision she made, something she wanted. But there was also Real Heidi, the human being who told me she immediately knew where the photo was from—a screengrab from an interview with the Fox News anchor Dana Perino—and who had immediately scolded herself for doing the interview, because she knew that her hair had needed highlighting that day, that it wasn’t camera-ready, and hadn’t she told her assistant just that?


After Ted dropped out of the race, Heidi ended up voting for the guy who called her ugly, and who mercilessly mocked her husband and his family, because it was the right thing to do. She doesn’t regret it.

It’s a different time because a Republican is president. There was some anxiety during the general election, she admitted. “What I did talk to Ted about … was if we support him and he ends up not being a conservative—not appointing conservative justices, not doing tax reform— are we part of a damaging decision in history?” But it worked out, and she doesn’t regret voting for Trump. It was Ted, she said, who insisted Trump pull only from the Federalist Society’s list when nominating Supreme Court justices. In Heidi’s view, her husband “has kept his integrity intact.” And, by extension, she has kept hers.


Almost two years later, that vote has paid off for them personally. Trump tweeted about how good Ted Cruz is, and he’ll hold a rally for Cruz next Monday in Texas to show his support, when in reality he’ll actually jabber for 20 minutes about how his administration’s latest egregious screwup, whatever it may be, is so unfair because some 50-year-old QAnon shut-in told him so.


Ted Cruz is repulsive and pathetic. Heidi Cruz is proper, makes more money, and is willing to help out her repulsive and pathetic husband. If that means she has to take a mechanically sound field-goal kick straight to the ass even though she really doesn’t need to, she will do it, but that doesn’t mean she’ll retain any dignity or integrity after the fact. She just becomes as pitiful as him. Even though the article’s credulous writer, whose interests and previous work make it clear that she didn’t exactly ground this hypothesis in reality, argues that there’s a stark contrast between the Cruzes, they’re obviously perfect for each other.

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