Earlier today, Donald Trump promised the world a “major announcement” at his brand new, beautiful, luxurious Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.C. That announcement? A lie about Hillary starting the birther movement and a confirmation that the American president was, in fact, born in America. Now let’s go see that fucking hotel!

Trump was a fashionable 90 minutes late to his big event, which consisted of barely two minutes of actual speaking, as you can see below.

Here’s the full text of his “birtherism” statement:

Now, not to mention her in the same breath, but Hillary Clinton and her campaign of 2008 started the birther controversy. I finished it. I finished it. You know what I mean. President Barack Obama was born in the United States—period. Now we all want to get back to making America strong and great again. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Of course, as the Washington Post pointed out back in May, Hillary Clinton did not, in fact, start the birther movement (although she did perhaps use it to her advantage). But that’s not even the fun part!


Things really started to get exciting as soon as Trump wrapped up his weak excuse for press conference, and tried to take the press (CAMERAS ONLY) on a tour of his recently opened hotel.

The press, however, seems to finally have had enough, because once they realized what had just happened, they apparently erased all of Trump’s precious free advertising.

And then—and then!—the most incredible thing happened. As the press and producers and anyone with the ability to actually question Trump were locked in the ballroom, his stage collapsed.

All on live TV. It was beautiful.

This morning was absolutely insane. I can’t wait for all of us to forget this ever happened in a few hours.