Maybe you’d better sit down for this one. According to a report by Politico, corned-beef dirigible Donald Trump, a skill-free inheritance baby with a virtually unbroken lifelong track record of incompetence and failure, has found that running the United States government is a tougher job than lending his name to mail-order steak delivery scams run by other people. Because he is a world-historically stupid idiot who could not tell the difference between his face and his ass even if they weren’t identical to each other, this has come as quite a shock to him.
“Being president is harder than Donald Trump thought,” begins the article, neatly capturing the blithe, criminal ignorance that characterizes both Trump himself and the many dozens of millions of morons who thought he should be the leader of the free world. Yes, being the president is a harder job than Donald Trump would expect, because Donald Trump had never previously held an actual job, because actually, spending your inheritance on a succession of failed cons is not an actual job.
None of the revelations in here are all that surprising, if you’ve paid attention at any point in the more than 40 years Trump has spent as a professional horse’s ass marginally enriching himself off a succession of sleazy branding schemes (or in the over 200 years the presidency of the United States has spent being an actual job). The fun is in the wording. Our new president occupies a wild outer range of blundering, arrogant stupidity, far beyond that typically euphemized in newspaper-ese, and the effort to describe the former truthfully and accurately—but without using such frank and impolite words as “stupid” and “ignoramus” and “spray-tanned fart balloon”—very nearly breaks the latter.
Here’s a low-key savage example, from the third paragraph:
Yet it has become apparent, say those close to the president, most of whom requested anonymity to describe the inner workings of the White House, that the transition from overseeing a family business to running the country has been tough on him.
“Overseeing a family business” is great. This is the way you put it when you want to say that the president’s last gig was as the ornamental figurehead of a penny-ante hustling operation run by his hare-brained children—who even in their vacuity knew better than to let him handle any responsibility more sophisticated than ogling the Miss Universe contestants—but you also would like to maybe interview him or them at some point in the future. This is what you’re left with when the leader of the free world is incapable of thinking and operating and leading from anywhere in the vast ocean of specificity and nuance dividing “Get me some more cash” and “Here is what brand of tanning spray the new press secretary should use, and which parts of his face must be sprayed with it.” Overseeing a family business.
The transition from that to being the president “has been tough on him.” Doing things that you are not qualified to do is tough! Who could have predicted that this would be a challenge for a butter-soft septuagenarian nincompoop?
I love this article so much. Nearly every sentence contains some marvel of delicacy. The new president “often asks simple questions about policies, proposals and personnel.” When confronted with details, he “has been known to quickly change the subject” or direct questions to one of his chief advisers. His aides “joke that they wish their boss would spend more time at his Mar-A-Lago estate.” How many ways can you avoid saying that the president is a bumbling, pillow-fisted shit-for-brains, in a story about that exact fact?
Here’s the most incredible example. We learn that after unflattering details (what other kind could there be? He’s Donald Trump!) of his phone conversations with other foreign leaders were leaked to the press, Trump grew paranoid about National Security Council staffers and launched an investigation into the source of the leaks. We also learn this (emphasis added):
In turn, some NSC staff believe Trump does not possess the capacity for detail and nuance required to handle the sensitive issues discussed on the calls, and that he has politicized their agency by appointing chief strategist Bannon to the council.
The President of the United States of America is too stupid to participate in discussions held expressly for his benefit. That is what “some NSC staff” have said, here. Talking to him is a waste of time, because he’s literally incapable of grasping what is being talked about, and he just gets mad, like a baby. Like a big red baby with a sensitive heinie.
It’s not all bad times and tantrums for Trump, though.
For all his frustrations, Trump has reveled in the trappings of the presidency. He has taken a liking to the Oval Office, where he spends much of his time working. Following a recent gathering of business leaders, he brought the group into the storied room and showed them around.
Sometimes he wanders around his office, pecking at the shiny stuff, like a fucking bird.