Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

If there’s one thing that really upsets me, it is the scientific community’s continued insistence on turning dinosaurs into lame little fuckers. Today brings us news that paleontologists have created the most accurate depiction of a dinosaur in history, which means we now know that the Psittacosaurus was in fact a babyfaced punk:


Look at this chump! It looks like a Jim Henson castoff, or some dipshit creature an overworked programmer stuck into No Man’s Sky at the last minute. Want to know what the Psittacosaurus used to look like, before all these “smart guys” decided that dinos need to be “accurately depicted,” or whatever?

That dino is metal. He has good head spikes. I bet those head spikes were often covered in the blood of his helpless prey. Those beady black eyes say, “I am merciless death, and I have come to send you back to hell.”

Know what these goofy eyes say?


They say, “I wuv you. Let’s be fwiends!”

It’s bad enough that I already had to live through the revelation that velociraptors were not the badass killing machines depicted in Jurassic Park, but were in fact nothing more than mean turkeys. Next thing you know, some dick in a lab coat is going to tell me that the T-Rex was actually three feet tall and only ate roots. I’m upset.

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