Look, I’ll just tell you exactly how this is gonna go down. So Super Bowl Sunday 2016, it’ll be Panthers-Patriots, obviously, and when halftime comes around, the Panthers will be up, oh, let’s say between 60 and 80 points, and then Coldplay will do a little set.

Naturally, you will roll your eyes and groan and make masturbatory hand gestures and tweet something dismissive about white/British people and generally do the whole performative outrage thing, and their stage will look like a rainbow unicorn vomited during Burning Man because this is Coldplay’s new aesthetic apparently, and they’ll do “Yellow” and you’ll be unmoved, and they’ll do “Viva La Vida” and you’ll be unmoved, and they’ll do a new song and you’ll be super-unmoved, and they’ll do some garish duet with Meghan Trainor or J. Cole or someone even worse and you’ll be super-duper unmoved, and then they’ll do “Fix You,” and get to this part ...

... and you will lose your shit. You will cry like John Boehner watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. And you will wipe your eyes and inadvertently transfer all the Cheeto dust from your fingertips onto your face and look more like John Boehner than you already do. And after 90 seconds of this you will think to worry that your fellow Super Bowl party attendees will all be laughing at you, and then you will realize they’ve all been bawling, too, and then the game will resume and the Panthers will win by 140 and neither you nor anyone else present will ever speak of these events to anyone. So we all have that to look forward to. Beats the hell outta Maroon 5.

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