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Sure, history says this is what was expected. The Democrats have given us Joe Biden, better known for his flubs than his actual oratory execution; Al Gore, whose “look at how hard I am acting like I am hot for my wife” kiss is impossible to forget; and Walter Mondale, whose face I cannot picture at all even as I know that Ronald Reagan kicked his ass in 1984. Are you old? Are you white? Are you not too ambitious because you can’t overshadow No. 1? Perfect! Welcome to the Democratic presidential ticket!

Yes, Tim Kaine speaks Spanish. That doesn’t mean as much as Clinton’s camps will make it out to—Jeb Bush is fluent in Spanish, as are more than 50 million Americans, and that it’s seen as a big deal is political circles is just a sad referendum on how English-only those circles are. Similarly, his year spent in Honduras as a Catholic missionary is being trotted out as if something millions of people do—go abroad—is edgy because it was on a continent that was not Europe.


His resumé is the expected list of working-his-way-up-the ladder jobs: mayor to lieutenant governor to governor to chairman of the Democratic National Committee. He’s pro-free trade and kinda-sort of pro-choice, with some purple-state squishiness as outlined by the BBC:

While he is committed to the broader tenants of Roe v Wade, including a woman’s right to choose, he supports restrictions on certain types of abortion, parental consent laws and “informed consent” practices.

The Gray Lady, ever cautious because sources must be greased, put it politely: “Mrs. Clinton had entertained more daring choices.” There are random strangers on the street who would be more interesting. You, dear reader, might be more interesting. All these pre-written Kaine stories have almost no interesting anecdotes about him, and my only takeaway is that because there are none. This is the wet blanket of vice-presidential picks, dampening hopes that Clinton would counter the GOP’s recently nationally televised white power festival (they called it a “convention”) with a loud declaration that the Democratic Party’s own full-on declaration of support for inclusion, tolerance, and expansion of rights for the neediest was here.

Picking a boring white guy isn’t a surprise: even Obama did it! But the revolution, where America entrusts the most powerful job complex in the world to not one but two not-white-straight-men, will have to wait.

Senior editor at Deadspin

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