I'm gonna tell this story again, because it's the dumbest thing that's ever happened to me, and no one at Gawker Media believes that anyone could be so stupid. But I was. Again, this will be very difficult to explain, because it requires LAYERS of idiocy on the part of the protagonist (that would be me), but I swear it happened. Here goes.
I was in my early twenties, and some girl I was dating took me to a department store so she could do some shopping. I was left to awkwardly peruse the merchandise and pray for a future in which mobile phones with internet screens would one day be invented. I was in some outerwear section—where all the jackets are packed tightly onto the racks and there isn't much space between them—and I was looking down, because I was kinda antisocial at the time.
Well, at one point, as I was walking, I was confronted with a pair of feet, shaded heavily by the coats hanging just above. I tried to move left, and the guy went the same way. I tried to go right, and the guy went with me again. So I moved left and then right and then left and then right again. He matched every step.
Fuck it, I thought. If we're gonna bump into each other, we may as well get it over with. So I walked directly into the man facing me.
It was a mirror.
It was one of those full-length mirrors they have affixed to pillars all around any department store. I had confronted, and then plowed directly into, myself.
Now, the Deadspin staff had questions for me when I brought this story up. I will answer some of their questions below, in an effort to elucidate any questions that YOU also might have.
Q: Wait, what?
A: I confronted a man who turned out to be me in a mirror.
Q: You head-butted yourself?
A: Kinda, yeah. I bumped into the mirror, and then fled the scene in embarrassment.
Q: Did you say anything to yourself?
A: No, I just kinda grunted.
Q: HOW OLD WERE YOU?
A: Again, my early twenties.
Q: How many other inappropriately aggressive strangers have you plowed right into?
Q: Did the mirror break?
Q: Is that your move? To just plow into people?
A: Not normally, no.
Q: Imagine if this happened today and there was surveillance footage of it. It would be the greatest blog post in history.
A: Yes, I am glad that footage does not exist!
Q: I can't believe it needs to be asked, but exactly how did you not recognize yourself?
A: I was looking down. Very down, apparently.
Q: Wait, so you saw what you thought was a man hiding behind the coats, and you jumped him?
A: No, no! I'm not crazy like that.
Q: Can you draw a diagram?
A: See above.
Q: Trying to fight yourself in a mirror is only a step or two away from arguing on Twitter, probably.
A: Yes, probably.
And now, you get to tell us the dumbest sober moment of your lifetime. Nothing else I have done, obviously, tops what you see above. I will also embed our entire discussion of this event from the Deadspin chat room down below, for posterity. Anyway, look out for mirrors, man. They will ruin you.