Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion
When you’re nine.
Screenshot: Nine News Gold Coast (Twitter)

Two extremely, ah, feisty(?) nine-year-old girls went on an absolute fucking rampage at the Helensvale Shopping Centre in Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia yesterday. And by “absolute fucking rampage” I mean that they abused an old lady, spat on, punched, and kicked a security guard, and danced on a frickin’ car! It made the frickin’ news!

The below video is some crazy shit, man. This is more wilding out than I’ve done in 38 years of life.


My favorite part is when the apparently more hardcore of the two, Dark Shirt, straight up threatens to murder the security guard if he doesn’t hand back her scooter—and then the very next shot is of her popping a fuckin’ ollie as she rides away on that scooter. I don’t know what to say about this, other than that Australia seems like a very fascinating place to me.

Eventually the cops came and took these two fuckin’ rock-and-rollers home, the location of which is left vague by the published reports but which I can only assume is actual Hell. My sons are 10 and eight; their average age is nine. Until now I have thought of them as “rowdy.” Nothing, nothing, could get them to replicate even the least bit of this madness. These children are demons, and I fear them.

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