Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

A List Of Some Of The Times The Last Jedi Told The Older Star Wars Movies To Eat Shit

Image via YouTube
Image via YouTube

Needless to say, major spoiler action follows.

Seriously this post pretty much is just a list of spoilers, arranged in vaguely chronological-ish order. Don’t read it if you’re going to get mad about spoilers.

  • When Supreme Leader Snoke owned Kylo Ren for being a lame Darth Vader cosplayer, literally called his helmet ridiculous, and told him to take it off.
  • When Kylo Ren, fed up with the burden of giving the new series a Darth Vader of its very own, smashed his helmet to hell and left its shattered remains on the floor.
  • When Rey resolved the cliffhanger ending of The Force Awakens by handing Luke Skywalker his father’s long-lost blue lightsaber, and he responded by chucking it over his shoulder like a crumpled-up cheeseburger wrapper and walking away.
  • When Luke milked the four ruddy teats of the big gross elephant walrus thing, turned to the camera, and took a nice big gross swig of its blue-green milk, the grossest and most off-putting possible fan-service callback to the blue-green beverage Aunt Beru served with dinner back in the original Star Wars.
  • When Luke, explaining to Rey why the Jedi Order has to end for all time, all but looked directly at the screen and said, Because the stupid prequels revealed them to be the most worthless group of dumbass motherfuckers in the history of the universe, and since we must treat those awful movies as Star Wars canon, that forces us to repudiate the Jedi for all time.
  • When Luke described the Force to Rey entirely without mentioning sub-atomic particles.
  • When Kylo Ren chopped Snoke in half like halfway through the movie, foreclosing with extreme prejudice on The Force Awakens’s suggestion that this trilogy would just run back the entire Luke-Vader-Palpatine dynamic from the original trilogy.
  • When the big reveal explaining Kylo Ren’s turn toward the Dark Side turned out to be that he woke up in the middle of the night to the sight of a crazy-eyed Luke Skywalker about to murder him in his sleep.
  • When Luke, with scorn dripping off every word, derisively referred to the lightsaber—probably Star Wars’ most iconic creation—as a “laser sword.”
  • When Kylo Ren, with like ten seconds of icily savage dialogue, revealed that Rey’s parents were nobody-ass losers, pissing on both George Lucas’s sole storytelling move and all The Force Awakens’s hints about Rey having a mysterious and auspicious background.
  • When Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber snapped in half.
  • When Princess Leia and Admiral Holdo both rebuked Poe Dameron for his reliance on insanely costly and self-destructive long-shot suicide missions as a method for winning a war against a much larger and infinitely more powerful adversary.
  • When they restored the “stun” function to the blasters that everyone had forgotten about since stormtroopers used it on Princess Leia in the opening minutes of the first movie, even though it would have made everyone’s lives much easier throughout all the other movies.
  • When the movie’s Han Solo-ish Enigmatic Rogue character, DJ, revealed himself not to have a secret heart of gold, but a not-secret-at-all heart of callous self-interest, and he sold the good guys out to the bad guys because the bad guys could pay him more.
  • When the long-shot suicide mission to retrieve a MacGuffin not only failed, but failed in such a way that it made things incalculably worse for the good guys and led directly to unknown numbers of faceless Resistance fighters dying meaningless deaths in the cold void of space.
  • When a smiling Ghost Yoda gleefully incinerated the holy chapel of the Jedi religion and (as far as Luke knew) all its sacred texts, and was all, Whatever man, it’s cool, just let the youths cook, it’s their turn.
  • When Ghost Yoda told Luke that his Jedi knowledge of the Force was not as useful to Rey as his crusty-old-fart knowledge of what it’s like to fuck up and fail a lot, implicitly shrugging off the original trilogy’s focus on the supreme importance of receiving proper Jedi training.
  • When Luke explicitly said, I am not just going to turn up with a lightsaber and face down the entire army of bad guys, even though that’s exactly what Luke would have done in the original trilogy—like when he waltzed into Jabba the Hutt’s palace armed with nothing but an extremely half-cocked plan and a lightsaber in Return of the Jedi—and pretty much exactly what Leia asked Obi-Wan Kenobi to do in the hologram message that kicked off the plot of the original Star Wars.
  • When Luke then showed up with a lightsaber and stood alone against the entire army of bad guys anyway, and literally everyone watching the movie went, “He’s doing the shit! He’s facing down the entire army of bad guys!” and then, duh, of course that’s not what he was doing, he literally told you he wasn’t going to do that, because that would be foolish.
  • When what he was actually doing nevertheless turned out to be cooler and more satisfying than that anyway, and it was like, dang, actually you can tell a fresh and surprising story in this Star Wars universe after all, instead of just repeating previous stories over and over again forever.
  • The Broom Child, just some random-ass kid doing the Force to a broomstick and imagining it’s a lightsaber, which somehow works simultaneously as a giant finger in the eye to the series’ heretofore relentlessly inward-turning mythology and baits fan-nerds to own themselves by missing the point and speculating about who this kid’s secret parents might be.

Off the top of my head, these are some times when The Last Jedi gleefully and gloriously told the previous Star Wars movies to eat shit. Can you think of any others? Share them below.