In the end, the warnings got the story all backwards. Beware, the political analysts said—Donald Trump may be an incompetent, bigoted buffoon, but after he loses, a cleverer, more subtle, more respectable Trump will come along.
Donald Trump won, and the media is grasping for answers as to why we didn’t predict it. Already, you can see the seeds of many bad solutions forming.
Blame white people. Blame white men in particular, but reserve plenty of blame for white women. Blame old people, too. Blame rich people, as always. Blame the public at large for Donald fucking Trump getting more votes than Donald Duck. Democracy enacts the will of the public; this is what the public wants.
This morning, many Americans woke up fearful, wondering what comes next. The only possible answer: four years of hard fucking work.
Donald Trump claimed victory tonight from New York City in a speech that featured the presumptive president-elect stating that his road to the presidency was “not a campaign, but a movement.” An uncorrected transcript from closed captioning follows:
CNN commentator Van Jones took to the airwaves well past midnight on election night and talked openly about the fear many were feeling, as well as the growing sentiment that this was a “white-lash” after eight years of having a black man as president.
As I type this, a man who called Mexicans rapists, mocked a reporter’s physical disability, bragged about committing sexual assault, and wants to ban an entire religious group from entering the country is leading Hillary Clinton by 150 electoral votes to 109. I feel physically ill.
While the first wave of election results was coming into the MSNBC studios, Chris Matthews regaled viewers with an anecdote about presidential horniness. Matthews was discussing political officials who preferred not to watch the news and keep track of election results, including his former boss Tip O’Neill who used to…
Unfortunately for Marco Rubio, he’s projected to win his race for the Senate in Florida. A win that, even more unfortunately for the American people, means four more years of dealing with Marco Rubio.
The Associated Press has called Illinois, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Washington D.C., Delaware, Maryland for Hillary Clinton, giving the Democratic party candidate a 68-48 lead for the moment. Meanwhile, Trump won South Carolina, Oklahoma, Mississippi, and Tennessee.
According to the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s office, at least four people were shot near a polling place in Azusa, California. Captain Jeff Scroggins told the Los Angeles Times that police were dealing with a “heavily armed” shooter and the Azusa PD warned citizens to stay away from the area. Local schools were…
Tonight Columbus’s WSYX reported live from the scene of where witnesses say Trump supporters outside a polling station have been threatening OSU students with rape if they vote for Hillary Clinton. That would prompt what you’d expect to be a very serious conversation, except for the skateboarder who kept insisting on…
After 317 primary debates, far too many GOP candidates, countless repetitions of the word “email,” and one Billy Bush downfall, we have finally made it. My friends, in just a few hours, this godforsaken presidential election will be over.
Much to our dismay, the final days of the election brought news that famed Twitter personality Donald Trump had his account confiscated as part of his staff’s last-ditch effort to maintain some degree of dignity. But you cannot maintain that which was never there. And now, our prayers seem to have been answered:…
Like many major news organizations, the New York Times has a policy that forbids its writers and editors from publicly endorsing any candidate. Ancient journalism folklore states that ideally one shouldn’t have opinions—doing so would anger our one true god, Objectivity—but given that this isn’t possible, it’s instead…
People hated the 2012 presidential election, too. They publicly prayed for its end. It was irritating and stupid; the discourse was cheap and disappointing. Like every other election of our lifetimes, it was, all agreed, the most important, yet somehow comprised a handful of seemingly randomly-chosen and insipid…
The 2016 election season will mercifully come to an end just a few short hours form now. Thank fucking God. Before we say our final goodbyes to the election from hell, we thought it would be fun to take a look back at our favorite moments from this march towards the abyss.
Hello... McFly? Anybody home???