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At approximately 1:00 p.m. today, in the year of our Lord 2016, Tim Cook defiled the memory of the late Steven “Steve” Paul Jobs with an abomination built of space-gray hubris. Today, Tim Cook discarded the iPhone headphone jack. And with that headphone jack, the soul of its creator went, too.

Where there used to be an unassuming opening just big enough to fit the jack plug from your favorite pair of “cans” (audio term), there is now only this:


One goddamn Lightning port.

But look at the seamless design, the traitors will say. Just buy bluetooth, whine the wealthy from their castles. Steve who?, the ingrates inquire as they dance atop the late CEO’s grave, shitting tiny exquisite aluminum poops.

This isn’t about moving forward or embracing innovation. This is about Tim Cook actively deciding to disgrace his predecessor. Because if there’s one thing we know about our dearly departed Steve, it’s that he fucking loved headphone jacks.

Let’s take a look at the evidence.

Exhibit A: The iPod


Headphone jack.

Exhibit B: The iPad


Another headphone jack.

Exhibit C: The iPhone

Image via YouTube

You see those hands? Those are Steve Jobs’s hands.

And do you see what he’s holding? A phone call-making headphone jack.

Exhibit D: The MacBook Air


Even this big-ass flip tablet gets a headphone jack.

You wouldn’t remove the paint from a Picasso. You wouldn’t remove the notes from Beethoven’s Fifth. You wouldn’t remove an angel from Heaven. Then why, I ask, would you ever remove the headphone jack from an iPhone?


You people make me sick.

Ashley Feinberg used to work here.

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