I have never left a job in a huff. I have never stormed out. I have never flipped my boss the double bird. I have never quit a job with proud disregard for the potential consequences. The closest I ever came to such a fever dream was when I quit a legal ad firm after just three weeks on the job, because I had gotten…
Shit’s real weird now.
Summer is almost over. But the sweet memories of those last months remain: Sweating through your clothes, forgetting to correctly apply sunscreen and getting burnt, getting so drunk you embarrass yourself, forgetting your sunglasses and not being able to see. And also some good things, too, presumably.
There may come a time in life when you’re 83 years old and posted up at the bookies in Glanmire, Ireland, enjoying the retired life. When three men wielding hammers and a gun barge in, what will you do? “You can either run and hide or take a stand and I took a stand,” was the answer that Denis O’Connor found in…
I have a dog, and it’s a pain in the ass. The dog never goes out in the rain. He won’t leave his bed unless my wife lures him out with cheese, and it HAS to be her, otherwise he gets bitey. He sits on top of the chair all day and does NOTHING. When I walk him, he’ll lay down right in the fucking street because he…
Hey pals. How’s your morning been? Did your Breakfast Behemoth turn out okay? Here’s what the President of the United States has been up to:
President Donald Trump, a person who is afraid of stairs, has long spewed mush-brain lies and bizarre boasts about everything, and that includes 9/11. Remember when he claimed he cleared rubble from Ground Zero, or the time he lied about seeing Muslims celebrating the Twin Towers falling, or when he said “hundreds” of…
The new Spider-Man video game came out for PlayStation 4 last week, and I was eager to spend a chunk of my weekend playing it. Some things I immensely enjoyed during my few hours of play time: web swinging, jumping off buildings, web swinging, whispering “whoa, that looks just like the real Empire State Building,” and…
WILDWOOD CREST, N.J. — The shot felt good off my hands. I pumped my fist when it went through the net and called it a day. You have to end on a make. I left the basketball court and went straight to the beach. I swam in the ocean. Later I jumped in a pool. After that I walked to my favorite pizza place. Then I went to…
For the better part of the past two years, I have asked (on Twitter) various celebrities if they like Pink Floyd. There’s neither rhyme nor reason as to why I asked these people. There is no specific order to them either. It’s a credit to my ADHD as much as it is just seeing their names on my Twitter feed. The…
A few weeks ago, I learned about a dystopian gathering called OzyFest where people paid real American dollars to gaze longingly at thinkfluencers and hear soup-brained psychopaths like Karl Rove host panels. The Silicon Valley–funded Ozy—which is somehow not an incisive performance art piece about our culture’s…
This piece is part of a recurring series that aims to be a complete guide to the laws of war. You can read previous entries here.
It’s been eight months since a group of rich people from Orange County bought L.A. Weekly and ritually sacrificed the paper’s entire award-winning staff in an altogether embarrassing attempt to peel off a chunk of media power for themselves without having to understand the industry or care about it beyond putting a…
An increasingly prominent part of my life in 2018 is the urge to grab and cling onto anything that seems, even a little bit, like it might be the thing that Finally Defeats Donald Trump. No small portion of my day is spent managing my relationship to that urge, struggling against its downward pull, reminding myself…
The New York Times reported yesterday that David Pecker, chairman of American Media Inc., which publishes the National Enquirer, has been granted immunity by the federal prosecutors investigating whether the president funneled hush money to women with whom he had affairs. Here’s how that worked, according to…
SANDUSKY, Ohio — There is more than one enormous rubber duck. I did not know this when I decided to travel to Sandusky to see one, but I can’t unlearn it now. Though there was once a bigger duck in Saint-Nazaire, France, the monstrosity anchored in Sandusky comes with a registered trademark: it is the “World’s Largest…
In February of 2017, at some conservative event in Maryland, Donald Trump said that Paris was a ruined city because too many brown and black people live there now. (I’m giving you the gist.) He attributed this opinion to his friend “Jim,” a “very, very substantial guy.” Is this jogging your memory?
Inspired by this good tweet—
I’m aware that there are a lot of people out there who just simply cannot bring themselves to watch a person embarrass themselves on a TV. for fear of dying from second-hand embarrassment. I understand. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die when I first watched this.
