In formal or fucking situations, people gauge commitment by whether or not you're wearing a useless fashion accessory that serves no other purpose but to give death an upper hand. I'm talking about neckties, the bearers of mythical "power" and evolving "rules," leaving fashion writers tripping all over their dicks to report on the latest "trend."

Ties aren't just uncomfortable drooping appendages that choke you all day long as you rub your neck and vainly attempt to slurp your soup without incident. They're also strangling devices that can lead to your demise. According to the Guardian, police and security workers wear clip-ons to reduce injury risk. And the trade group representing U.K. uniform suppliers claimed ties were "harmful":

It said headteachers and governors are increasingly worried that they can be tightened around youngsters' necks in confrontations and could potentially injure or even strangle them.

There's precedent backing necktie concerns. Alfred Hitchcock once got his tie stuck in machinery, and it damn near shred his ass up; thankfully, he donated the machine to an insufferable long-tie-wearing friend. Chief Wiggum couldn't stop Snake from robbing the Kwik-E-Mart because he was a slave to his caught tie. And thanks to ties, this dude (at 2:19) couldn't escape a Jackie Chan ass-whooping:

Still don't think high fashion has consequences? How else then can you explain the tragic death of dancer Isadora Duncan, whose dangling silk scarf got caught around the rear wheel of her vehicle, causing it to crash and throwing her body against the stone pavement, instantly killing her? How many more men's-magazine mantras does society have to ingest before it's too late and the victim tally of elongated, needless clothing becomes incalculable?

Advertisement

Unlike sports jackets or fancy shoes, ties do not actually cover any part of the body or provide anything resembling value. They're just long, skinny cloths "important" people wear to make themselves feel more "important." Which gives ties a whiff of pretension and self-righteousness no other clothing item can match, as entire events are built around their exclusionary nature.

Although the importance and coolness of neckties is a goddamn scam invented and propagated by the fashion industry, I'll admit I'm a whore who has become conditioned to going along to get along. I'll wear a tie for job interviews, or in the occasional online-dating photo to boost match rates and increase the probability of connecting with someone through Prince-infused post-date cuddle-fucks. Yes, this is really me.

Douchey? Absolutely. Effective? Yes, according to data. Why? No fucking clue. I just go along.

Advertisement

While ties can be useful in particular circumstances due to self-fulfilling beliefs imposed on us by certain segments of society, the truth is that they supply no intrinsic worth. What you're objectively doing in donning a tie is wrapping a long cock around your neck and letting it pound your tummy all day, which isn't even as cool as it sounds. If someone can't take you seriously without a tie, that's a motherfucker you shouldn't take seriously. Unless, of course, that motherfucker is offering you an opportunity to make money or potentially wants to bang you. Which is probably the case if you're already wearing a tie. Because why else would you voluntarily wear an uncomfortable and pompous choking hazard?

Photo by ShutterStock.