Consider this the crotch-clenching companion piece to our annual look at American insertion: a collection of the worst penis-related mishaps to befall our great nation last year.


All patient descriptions taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:

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  • DANCING & GRINDING WHILE AT CLUB, WEARING BRIEFS & JEANS, DEVELOPED BLEEDING FROM PENIS
  • WAS HIT ACCIDENTALLY IN GENITALS WITH A LASER GUN AT PARTY
  • WAS RIDING ON DUSTPAN W HEN HIS PENIS GOT TRAPPED UNDERNEATH IT
  • WAS INEBRIATED & STRUCK A SPINNING SPARKLER IN HIS PANTS. WOKE UP NEXT MORNING W/ BURNED PANTS & PENIS PAIN
  • FRNDS WHO HAD LOTS OF FIREWRX PUT FIREWRX 2GETHER THT WLD SPIN& XPLODE TYPE N PT RUNNING WHN IT XPLODED BURNED LEG PENIS
  • SIBLING PUT FLEA POWDER IN DIAPER INSTEAD OF BABY POWDER. DEVELOPED A CHEMICAL BURN TO PENIS
  • MASTURBATING @ HOME W/A SPATULA & WINE BOTTLE OPENER—STRANGULATED PENIS FOR 4 DAYS BEFORE SEEKING HELP
  • SWELLING TO PENIS. TIED GROCERY BAG AROUND PENIS W/ RUBBER BAND TO CATCH URINE
  • BITE TO HIS PENIS BY TWIN SISTER THROUGH HIS PANTS DURING UNWITNESSED ARGUMENT.
  • PENIS BITTEN THROUGH PANTS WHILE WRESTLING BY BROTHER
  • RUNNING IN APT AND HIT PENIS ON A CHAIR
  • CLIMBING ON COUNTER, FELL, STRUCK BREAD DRAWER W/PENIS
  • HAD SEMI-ERECT PENIS & JUMPED ONTO HIS BED ON STOMACH HITTING PENIS
  • ATTEMPTING TO TAKE OFF SWIM TRUNKS, FORESKIN ON PENIS STUCK IN MESH IN TRUNKS
  • REPORTS PAIN TO TIP OF PENIS WHEN HE HURT SELF WHEN HE SAT ON A FAKE CAMEL AT THE PARK
  • KICKED BY A YOUNG CHILD @ SCHOOL WHO WAS WEARING FASHION BOOTS
  • TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH GIRLFRIEND AND PENIS WAS CUT ON BELT BUCKLE
  • TRIED TO REMOVE WART WITH STRING AND NOW STRING IS STUCK AT BASE OF PENIS
  • INSERTED A LONG BALLOON IN PENIS TO HAVE GIRLFRIEND BLOW UP FOR SEXUAL STIMULATION AND IT BROKE
  • CLOSED THE LAPTOP ON HIS PENIS
  • ADMITS TO USING GLASS (METH) TONIGHT. ALSO ADMITS TO GETTING END OF 2 LITER BOTTLE STUCK ON PENIS
  • ACCIDENTLY KICKED IN THE PENIS WHILE ICE SKATING, BLEEDING ALOT FROM PENIS
  • WAS PLAYING WITH A TOY MOTOR BOAT IN THE BATHTUB & GOT PENIS CAUGHT IN PROPELLER
  • FELL OFF A TEETER-TOTTER AT THE PLAYGROUND, IT CAME BACK DOWN AND CRUSHED PENIS
  • COVER OF OLD TIME DESK FELL HITTING PENIS

Take better care of your penises next year.


See also: 2013 in penis nightmares.