It is time for a Deadspin holiday tradition like no other: our annual trawl of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits to discover the strangest, unlikeliest, and most awkwardly shaped objects America inappropriately shoved into its various holes. God bless us, everyone.

As always, objects sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear

  • SOAP
  • AIR FRESHENER BEAD
  • WALKIE-TALKIE ANTENNA
  • KEY
  • JEWEL FROM TOY CROWN
  • DIAMOND
  • TIP OF DART
  • BUG
  • SCREW
  • "PUT TISSUE IN HIS EAR ONE MONTH AGO AND FEELS LIKE IT IS STILL THERE"
  • RUBBER BAND
  • TAMPON
  • GLOW STICK
  • NIPPLE FROM BABY BOTTLE

Nose

  • MINIATURE HOCKEY PUCK
  • TOOTHPICK
  • HAIR BRAID
  • "10 SIDED DICE"
  • FISHING SINKER
  • PLASTIC EYEBALL
  • GUM
  • LITHIUM TABLET
  • "A LEG"
  • SPONGE
  • "USED A METAL COAT HANGER TO SWAT A BEE OFF OF HIS NECK AND COAT HANGER WENT UP NOSTRIL"

Throat

  • CLOTHES HANGER
  • TOY ARROW
  • SHARK TOY
  • GRILL BRUSH BRISTLES
  • PLASTIC FORK
  • BRILLO PAD (FROM CRACK PIPE)
  • "HAD A BUTTON IN HAND,WENT TO SNEEZE,TRIED TO COVER MOUTH W/HAND & INHALED BUTTON"
  • SKIRT
  • THERMOMETER
  • SILVER CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT
  • FOIL FROM BAKED POTATO
  • COOKIE WRAPPED IN CELLOPHANE
  • RETAINER

Penis

  • RUBBER TUBE
  • "PLASTIC SPOON AND PERHAPS A PENCIL"
  • CROCHET NEEDLE
  • "STUCK A NAIL IN URETHRA THEN IT MIGRATED UP INTO THE BLADDER"
  • WOOL YARN
  • LONG PLASTIC HAND OF STIRRING SPOON
  • "INSERTED A LONG BALLOON IN PENIS TO HAVE GIRLFRIEND BLOW UP FOR SEXUAL STIMULATION AND IT BROKE"

Vagina

  • PLASTIC HANDLE OF SCISSORS
  • KNITTING NEEDLES
  • PEN
  • "A LARGE AMOUNT OF SAND"
  • HAIR TIE
  • BAG OF CRYSTAL METH
  • 10" STEAK KNIFE
  • RAZOR
  • SPONGE
  • "ONE BATTERY AND THREE COINS"
  • BATHTUB STOPPER
  • "PUT A BAG OF MONEY IN VAGINA TO HIDE IT FROM HUSBAND"
  • BILLIARD BALL
  • "ORGASM BALLS"

Rectum

  • TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
  • PIPE
  • KEYS
  • ACORN
  • SHOT GLASS
  • DRUM STICK
  • ICE PICK
  • UNSHARPENED PENCIL
  • "HAD ANAL SEX & HAS BRUISING, BLOOD ON TOILET PAPER, TOOK CRYSTAL METH TO HELP PAIN"
  • CANDLE
  • AIR FRESHENER
  • CAN OF SPRAY PAINT
  • SHAVING CREAM CAN
  • SHAMPOO BOTTLE
  • LOTION BOTTLE
  • SODA CAN
  • "BEER BOTTLE UP RECTUM & BOTTLE BROKE WHEN TRIED TO RETRIEVE BOTTLE W/ PLIERS. COCAINE USE PRIOR TO INSERTION"
  • TURKEY BASTER
  • PHONE CORD
  • GOLF BALL
  • METAL TOILET PAPER HOLDER
  • TENT STAKES
  • "ROLLED UP STACK OF PLASTIC TRASH BAGS"
  • CHRISTMAS BELL
  • LOG

Things we got stuck in our butts in previous years:

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2013

2012

2011

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2010