The Daily Mirror's Sophie Gadd called attention to this News of the Weird item, and we here at Deadspin had some thoughts about it. We discussed it in our staff chatroom.
Diana Moskowitz: Thank you, man acting as your own lawyer. Because otherwise the crime blotter in the local paper would never be the same.
harvilla: is his theory that jesus healed the sick by pouring alcohol in their ears
b/c that's as plausible as anything, really
Greg Howard: nah man it was magic
Burneko: does he breathe through his ears
i guess i'm not clear on how that's meant to exonerate him
"oh, and also, i have one big ear, on the front of my face, with teeth and a tongue"
"genetic abnormalities, amirite"
Greg Howard: we should probably let the homie robert live
harvilla: i didn't notice the first time that he was 55
i don't know if that makes him more or less sympathetic
Greg Howard: i believe him
Burneko: i'm gonna spend the rest of the day imagining Robert Bourque's life
"that radar gun reading is inaccurate, officer. you see, i recently took speed"
"that security video is misleading, your honor. i left those pants in the store weeks ago"
harvilla: "[snorts the cocaine in plain view] what cocaine? i don't see any cocaine."
Burneko: "i mean, show me the cocaine. you can't."
"no, see, i never smoked marijuana. i ate it"
kyle: "I negotiated a bad deal on the last car so that I could make payments on this one. You can hardly call that stealing, officer."
harvilla: "i didn't exhale"