Houston CBS affiliate KHOU dropped a story on its website this morning about a middle school teacher who admits she gave a student a lap dance during class. Somehow, the lap dance part is the least weird thing about it.
HOUSTON – A middle school teacher has sashayed her way into a lot of trouble after she allegedly gave one of her students a birthday lap dance in front of the entire class.
Sashayed? I've seen a lot of lap dances, and none of them involved sashaying. And even if they did, this is a story about a grown woman performing a sexual act on a child. Maybe sharpen up that lede a bit?
Felicia Smith, 42, was charged with improper relationship with student.
That's... kind of a sentence?
According to a male student, "Ms. Smith" grabbed his journal and stopped him from talking to his friends as he walked into his third-period class.
Is "Ms. Smith" an alias? Why is it in quotation marks?
He said he sat at his desk, and after the tardy bell rang, she placed a chair in front of the room. Music started playing and the entire class of middle school students began yelling and telling him to sit down.
He was already sitting down! (Also, "the entire class"?)
It was his birthday.
It was already his birthday, too!
The student said he sat down and Ms. Smith gave him a full contact lap dance, rotating her buttocks against him.
Rotating buttocks? That's some Inspector Gadget shit.
The boy said he became aroused as Ms. Smith fondled him and rubbed her hands all over his body. Ms. Smith also got on her knees in front of him and placed her head between his legs. The student admitted that he slapped Ms. Smith on the buttocks a few times.
Boners are pretty much the primary source of embarrassment for boys in junior high, and that's before having yours written up by the local TV station.
At the end of the dance, Ms. Smith wrapped her arms around the student and he gave her bottom another squeeze. She hugged him and said "I love you, baby. Happy birthday," according to documents.
Is "bottom" AP style?
Smith admitted that she gave the youngster a lap dance at the urging of his classmates. She recalled that she lost her balance a few times as she circled his chair, which made the students laugh.
IMPORTANT DETAILS. (Also, if she admitted to the lap dance, why does the lede say "allegedly"?)
She said her performance lasted about four minutes.
That's a long-ass lap dance!
Investigators reviewed video of the lap dance performance and it actually lasted 3.54 minutes.
Who the fuck measures time in decimal? I haven't been to Texas lately. Is this a statewide change? Do Rangers games start at 7.083333 o'clock now?
Also, .54 does not go evenly into 60 seconds, which means somebody used a stopwatch and measured the lap dance down to the tenth of a second. Specifically, it's 3:32.4, which is still a long-ass lap dance. Here's a list of songs in my iTunes that are 3:32.4 seconds long, and thus could have been used for performing a lap dance on a child in school:
- "Are You Gonna Go My Way," Lenny Kravitz
- "Total Eclipse," Klaus Nomi
- "Don't Stop Me Now," Queen
- "Unrest In The House Of Light," The Protomen
- "You Make Loving Fun," Fleetwood Mac
- "When The Stars Go Blue," Ryan Adams
- "American Girl," Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
- "Idylls Of The King," The Mountain Goats
- "Doreen," Old 97's
- "A Passing Feeling," Elliott Smith
I really hope it was the Elliott Smith track.
A copy of the video is on file at the Harris County District Attorney's Office and another copy is with the Aldine ISD Police Department.
Blockbuster be damned, the video-rental business is still alive somewhere.
Photo credit: AP/Jeff Scheid