Sometimes, I’ll lay awake at night and dream of the day I can write a lede as chilling as the one Alex Acquisto has written for the Bangor Daily News:
HOPE, Maine — While jogging on a familiar, overgrown, wooded trail near her home on a recent warm afternoon, Rachel Borch thought to herself, “what a beautiful day.”
Little did she know she was about to be attacked by a rabid raccoon she would end up killing with her bare hands.
On her afternoon run, Borch suddenly found herself face to face with a rabid mammal that Disney, Marvel, and Bradley Cooper have tried to fool you into seeing as a hero.
Unable to flee, the 21-year-old stood her ground and tried to hold the furry fiend down as it chomped onto her hand and wouldn’t let go. The resulting battle was brutal:
“With my thumb in its mouth, I just pushed its head down into the muck,” Borch said.
With the animal belly-up, she held its head under water. “It was still struggling and clawing at my arms. It wouldn’t let go of my thumb,” she said.
Finally, after “what felt like an eternity,” the awful omnivore ceased its struggle against the vegetarian and went limp, putting an end to Borch’s out-of-nowhere nightmare.
Thankfully, Borch has received her shots and should be able to fully recover. “I always thought of raccoons as this cute, cuddly forest animal,” she said. “I just will never look at them the same way.” No more Guardians of the Galaxy movies for her.