Ohhhhh, Darren Rovell. Oh, you picked the wrong day to be suspended from Twitter, amigo. Because McDonald's just issued a press release for a fully redesigned Ronald McDonald, and it is fucking nutty. They don't even bother trying to sound human. They went the full Poochie. Let's take a look.
McDonald's Unveils New Mission and Image for Brand Ambassador Ronald McDonald
Ambassador! That kills me. Like Ronald McDonald is holed up inside the Syrian McDonald's Embassy, plotting to evacuate citizens and airlift them to the nearest McDonald's location to enjoy all-beef patties and unlimited sweet-and-sour sauce.
April 23, 2014
Ronald McDonald, who represents the magic and happiness of the McDonald's brand…
Let me ask you something: Did you EVER care about Ronald McDonald? Like, as a child? I've hated Ronald since birth. There was never a moment in my life when I was thrilled to see him. He was the clown getting in the way of me and my Happy Meal. This is not Disney World. This is McDonald's, the saddest place on Earth. You people can't even get lines to form properly.
…is setting out on a global mission to rally the public through inspiring events.
So get ready for a second, tastier Arab Spring! We keep the insurgent side cool!
For the first time, Ronald McDonald will take an active role on McDonald's social media channels around the world and engage consumers using the #RonaldMcDonald hashtag.
[Twitpics photo of Ronald McDonald stopping, frisking, and beating New Yorkers.]
As Ronald begins his journey, he seeks to deliver on the mission: "Fun makes great things happen"
HOLY BALLS SOMEONE WROTE THAT. Many people wrote that. A fucking quorum of marketing people sat down and all agreed that fun makes great things happen, because fun is goodness and goodness is fun. I'm dead. I'm in the ground and I'm dead because fun made my death happen.
"Ronald brings to life the fun of our brand by connecting with customers around the world, whether he's promoting literacy or spreading cheer at a Ronald McDonald House," said Dean Barrett, Senior Vice President, Global Relationship Officer. "Customers today want to engage with brands in different ways and Ronald will continue to evolve to be modern and relevant."
This is not true. I spend most of my day trying to actively DISENGAGE myself from brands. There are too many brands. They drift around in the air like mustard gas particles and affix themselves to you. Please, God, no more brand engagement. There's no way to make a deranged clown who sells burgers modern and relevant. Ronnie could bang Miley Cyrus and do a Between Two Ferns episode and it would still fail to put him on the map.
Ronald McDonald will be sporting a new wardrobe, which includes yellow cargo pants…
CARGOES! THOSE ARE IN!
…and a vest…
[On the phone with the maitre'd] HE'S DEVASTATINGLY HANDSOME.
…accompanied by a red-and-white striped rugby shirt.
This was my sixth-grade wardrobe. I hope Ronald's mom got the same discount at JCPenney that my mom got.
His iconic big red shoes will remain the same.
Phew! You don't mess with a winner. Big red shoes make things happen.
Reserved for special occasions, Ronald has a whimsical new red blazer with the Golden Arches on the front pocket and his well-recognized signature on the back, and a special bowtie to complete the look.
You know, his Oscar outfit. And yet he'll still be rocking an orange Bee Gees wig and latex gloves to wash all the blood away.
Ronald's new clothes were designed by esteemed theatrical designer Ann Hould-Ward.
God, I hope she got paid bank.
"Designing new clothes for Ronald McDonald was one of the highlights of my career," Hould-Ward said. "I've worked with some really big names over the years and suiting up a living legend was a real thrill."
Was it fun? Did good things come from that fun? I used to dress actors and presidents, but finally I got to dress a brand ambassador. TOP OF THE FUCKING WORLD.
Ronald McDonald can't wait to connect with people through social media. "Selfies …here I come!"
"What do the kids do now? SELFIES! That's their thing, so let's have Ronald do that thing. Let's see if we can selfie him up with an iPad or something."
"It's a big world and now, wherever I go and whatever I do...I'm ready to show how fun can make great things happen," said Ronald McDonald.
Please note that this is a fictional character made for children talking inside a press release designed to be read by adults. We've done it, people. We have reached Peak Branding. I will read this to my kids tonight. Perhaps while wearing cargo pants.