Hey, you! Did you hear? THE FLU IS GOING AROUND! Oh, sweet Jesus strapped to a fuck gun! THE FLU! It's around! Out there. Possibly far, but also possibly near! People have it! The neighbor has it! Your dad has it! The whole Winklefart family has it! I heard 30 kids in Darla's second grade class ALL missed school the other day! Jenny Sizzdonk's family was holed up for three days, puking snot into each other's mouths! I heard it might be a stomach bug. I heard it might be a 24-hour bug, or a 48-hour bug, or a 127-hour bug. I heard it can morph into FluBola and liquefy your nutsack. IT HAS MADE LANDFALL.

What if it's in the house? What if there are little flu particles in the air, as we speak, and you are huffing them? What if they've already penetrated your alveoli and are filling your t-cells with thick, black, noxious ooze?

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Did we get the shot? I heard the shot was faulty this year, and this HercuFlu can get around it. THIS FLU CAN HACK STUFF. We need to take action. Here: eat this plate of 60 oranges. The Vitamin C will ward off the germs. Did you wash your hands? Well, wash them again. Use bleach. OH MY GOD, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? Are you going outside? People with the flu are out there, you idiot! We need to dig a giant hole and lie down in it until the radioactive flu fallout has passed. Otherwise, we are exposed and vulnerable at all times. You're not going to the grocery store without putting on this iron lung first.

OMG, was that a sniffle? Are you sniffling? You brought the flu into this house? SEAL YOURSELF UP IN THIS OIL TANK. No, you're not "fine." Stop trying to be functional. You will get us all killed. Wash your hands again. Now wash your face. Now blow your nose and wash your hands again. Carly Harfbrog said she was up all night cleaning bile off the stove. Do you want that for the rest of us? DO YOU?

Burn your clothes.

Play dead.

If you're gonna take a shit, drive to a hotel and take a shit in their bathroom.

We're gonna have to replace the sink.

Stop using paper towels as Kleenex.

Drink this flagon of rosemary twigs immersed in boiling-hot water.

No, you can't eat. You need FLUIDS and REST. Those tortilla chips will pierce your esophagus and kill you.

Maybe we should all go to the hospital.

If an old person we know gets it, they will succumb to it and die.

We're gonna have to hold the kids out of school. The school is compromised. Better not risk it. They will stay here and scream at us for 98 straight hours. That's the safe play.

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I'm not getting the flu. You hear me? I will kill us all before you give me the flu.

Did you just wipe your nose on your sleeve?


Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter@drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com. You can also order Drew's book,Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.

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