A peasant polishing the crown jewels: AP

In a move much anticipated by members of the royal court, the Kingdom of the New York Times has elevated a prince of Family Sulzberger to a position in line for the throne.

The Kingdom hath appointed as its new deputy publisher young A.G. Sulzberger, son of current King and publisher Arthur Sulzberger, who was himself son of former King and publisher Arthur Ochs “Punch” Sulzberger, who was himself brother-in-law of former King and publisher Orvil Dryfoos, who was himself son-in-law of former King and publisher Arthur Hays Sulzberger, who was himself son-in-law of former King and publisher Adolph Ochs.

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The young prince is expected to continue the liberal editorial traditions of the Times, which advocates frequently for socially and politically progressive policies. No non-family members were considered for the position.

Among the great wonders of the New York Times Kingdom is its ability to transcend the mundane world of mathematical probability. For it is able to find better leadership candidates from a tiny pool of family members than from a pool comprising all the people of the world.

May its holy reign never end.