Illustration by Jim Cooke

If you give a Trump a hooker

He’ll probably take her back to his hotel room.


If he takes her back to his hotel room

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He’ll probably take her to the bed.


If he takes her to the bed

He’ll probably ask her to pee on it.


If she pees on the bed

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She’s probably getting paid to do it.


If she’s getting paid to pee on the bed

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She’s probably getting paid by the FSB.


If she’s getting paid by the FSB

There are probably cameras in the hotel room.


If there are cameras in the hotel room

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They’re probably recording what happens on the bed.


If the cameras are recording what happens on the bed

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The FSB is probably saving the video.


Illustration by Jim Cooke

If the FSB is saving the video

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It probably intends to use it.


If the FSB intends to use the video,

Trump probably needs to be in a position of power.


If Trump is going to be in a position of power

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He probably needs to run for office.


If Trump needs to run for office

He probably has to feel good about himself.


If Trump wants to feel good about himself

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He probably needs to witness the degradation of others.


If Trump wants to witness the degradation of others

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He probably needs to see someone pee on the bed again.


If he wants to see someone pee on the bed again

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He’s probably going to ask for another hooker.


This is a work of fiction. Any real-world allegations it may resemble are unsubstantiated at present. Apologies to Laura Joffe Numeroff and Felicia Bond.