I watched The Accountant on an airplane last week because that’s the kind of movie you watch on an airplane. And even though it effectively bled two hours off the flight, I have many questions:
1. Was this Affleck’s first draft of Good Will Hunting before Damon rewrote it and made it good?
2. Can we make a drinking game where you drink every time someone in the movie looks dumbfounded and goes, “THE ACCOUNTANT?”
3. Has no one in this movie ever met an autistic person?
4. Has Ben Affleck ever met an autistic person?
5. Was it Affleck’s idea to be like, “My signature autism bit here will be to blow on my fingers before I go do stuff”?
6. Did Affleck demand the special home for autistic kids in the movie be located in NEW HAMPCHAHHHH so that there’d be at least one token nod to New England?
7. If Affleck’s character disdains physical contact, why does he have no problem shaking hands with people and engaging in hand-to-hand combat with them?
8. Why is Affleck literally writing on windows when there’s plenty of paper around?
9. Anna Kendrick’s character works in rural Illinois and yet when Affleck follows her home, it’s to a huge apartment in CHICAGO. Does she reverse commute?
10. After watching Affleck murder two goons sent to kill her, Kendrick tries to soothe him (juh?) by telling him a story about how she really wanted a Vera Wang prom dress, and then got it. What the fuck?
11. Did they cut out the part where we figure out how/why Affleck’s dad goes from standard army dad to the sensei from fucking Bloodsport?
12. There’s a scene where Affleck’s dad forces to him to go beat the piss out of five bullies waiting for him under an overpass. Who scheduled this beatdown?
13. There’s a farmer who lets Affleck use his POPPITY to shoot guns, and when Affleck totes out a fucking sniper cannon to do some target practice and blows up a melon from a literal mile away, the farmer guy doesn’t get kinda suspicious?
14. At one point, Rain Man Affleck points a gun at J.K. Simmons and it clicks because the chamber is empty, but he KEEPS the gun aimed at him and Simmons is still scared. Why?
15. Cynthia Addai-Robinson’s character tells a story about how she assaulted a drug dealer by jamming lots of cocaine up his nose. How do you do that? Isn’t that where the cocaine is supposed to go anyway?
16. I swear to God, Affleck uses the alias Lou Carroll, and when Addai-Robinson digs deeper into it, we see a photo of Lewis Carroll flash on a computer screen and she gasps, like that’s some big shit. I have no question.
17. If Affleck is such a wizard at dirty accounting, why does he launder money through three business fronts all in the exact same location, with his name somehow attached to all of them so that a federal agent can easily sort it out?
18. By the way, Affleck learns everything about being a cool accountant/hitman guy from Jeffrey Tambor, who plays a mob accountant. Apparently, these two were in a special prison together and the feds just, like, let Tambor tutor this guy out in the open because ????????
19. And how the fuck can Simmons know Affleck’s entire prison history and number and NOT know who the fuck he actually is?
20. AND how is Simmons the only law enforcement official walking into a mob shootout that’s left nine people dead?
21. Affleck has a British lady he can call at any time who apparently has the power to do anything he requires, like wipe his identity or cold call the U.S. Treasury. If she’s so powerful, why does she work for him? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
22. The climax of the movie consists of Affleck breaking into a house and shooting a bunch of assholes, all while bad guy John Lithgow is staring at his henchman who is staring at surveillance monitors and asking out loud, “WHAT IS HAPPENING?!” He does this, like, eight times, even though he can walk over and LOOK at what is happening happen, in real time. How the fuck is he that stupid?
23. Then we learn bad guy Jon Bernthal is actually Affleck’s brother and they kinda hug it out with a bunch of dead bodies and glass around. I can’t believe that was the fucking big twist. And that the brother’s name is Braxton. Christ. You believe this shit?
24. Can I get a gif of Lithgow’s death?