In the old days, disputes between Harvard students were settled one of three ways: pistols at dawn, a scullerman's joust, or trial by mayonnaise. Things have changed, though, and now the distinguished men of Harvard engage in combat like most millennials do: by sending unbearably long emails to each other that feature cutting phrases like "Go drink some more of your unappreciated privilege while you suck on a cum stained dildo, you tool."

That burn, and many others, comes to us from a tipster who forwarded an email that was sent by a Harvard senior to his dorm's email listserv. The author of the email lives in a 10-person suite in Currier House, which is historically known for hosting big parties. After receiving a snotty email from a sophomore named Tyler who thinks the 10-person-suite residents haven't been throwing enough parties—"Thought that was a party suite? EOM."—our fed-up resident decided to respond with a 1,700-word missive. The whole thing is blockquoted below, but we'll highlight some of the good parts up here.

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The first half of the email is boring and passive aggressive, but things start to heat up when the cross hairs fall on young Tyler's haircut and personal style:

Tyler, I am personally asking you to, next time, privately ask us why we are not currently hosting, instead of assuming things. That may be a slightly better idea. We can then leave it there. Though unlikely, you'd probably even apologize to us for being quite a silly student if you realize your mistake, because until then, "Thought that was a party suite? EOM" (-Tyler [redacted]) will stay that way for you. Consider yourself uninvited for now. Maybe you can throw a party and show us how it is done, because you apparently have nothing better to do on a Saturday night at 2AM, besides cry on Currier Underground - because evidently, you had no party to go to last night, and unfortunately, will have even less in the future. If you need me to spell it out to you AGAIN: we, the TenMan, are following the administration's requests, and taking full responsibility for making the mistake of not being able to properly control students, like you, during our last party. Sorry Currier, we the tenman, fucked up. But hopefully, one out of our six or so public parties this year is excusable. Tyler, we apologize. To show our sincerity, the next party theme we host will be in your honor: "bad hair sTylers," where everyone comes to the party with shitty hair because they can't handle alcohol and passed out drunk before the party, and also just have an overall shitty sTyle - kind of like you. Everyone except Tyler is invited. *Lyke dis if you cry evry thyme 4 Ty13r!*

Is this really how rich college kids talk shit now? Fuck you, man! I'm going to throw a party where everyone will make fun of your hair, because you have bad hair. This is wonderful, but I think we can get a little more vicious:

Everyone, please feel free to tell Mr. Bukakke [redacted], "Thank You, for convincing the TenMan to throw parties again."

Now we're getting somewhere! You hit him with the bukakke bomb, now go for the personal attacks:

But first we should let him nap, because he is a "Connoisseur of naps," according to his twitter. Maybe after this unique talent, he will realize he was being a wee-bit mean to us. Again, Currier, I'm begging you, please, let Tyler know how much you appreciate his efforts. PLEASE. He must be the greatest student of us all. I thought you were better than this, Tyler. :( I mean you were admitted to Harvard, Yale, Stanford, University of Pennsylvania, University of Chicago, University of Michigan, Notre Dame, Indiana University and Georgetown, and are a tutor in 40 academic subjects, so I mistakenly thought you were smarter (Yo doe, guys, biology is not on dat list, so I still am more qualified, in at least one subject :P ). Looks like the Phillips Academy prep school kid learned no social skills there. At least your parents have the excuse that you were at boarding school, so they had no time to teach you common sense when it comes to being understanding and having manners. Yale, Stanford, UPenn, U Chicago U Michigan, Notre Dame, Indy U, and Georgetown have been spared of a disgrace of a human being.

Now finish him!

Money can buy your way to prep school and Harvard, but apparently does a few things to your sense of entitlement and ego. Hopefully, it will make up for it by doing some things to Party Life at Harvard too. So until you are able to throw daddy's money into parties, you'll need to know that sometimes, frequency is out of your control. You are probably blessed with enough money to throw into parties all the time - so maybe that's why it's easy to say "Thought that was a party suite? EOM". I mean it's not like you're the only child in your family, and your dad owns a business and your mom's a dental anesthesiologist (a profession which makes, on average, over $160,000/year)...I mean I might be wrong, in which case I apologize, and you really need to get that picture of yourself off of dogguard.com, because they are stealing your beautiful face....So maybe you can give us some money to fund a party next month? Or maybe you can use it to bribe the house administration so we can start partying this week. Or maybe you can just look at it and use it to check your damn privilege and shove it up your ass, wipe your remaining pride away and flush it down the poor toilet that has to touch your filthy ass to water the trees that are cursed with having to produce oxygen for you. Wanna come clean our room after a party with several hundred people passing through? (Just to give you an idea, we went through over 500 cups during Harvard Yale) Have you ever cleaned - or have people just done it for you? Cause that doesn't happen in our room - we have to clean. If you are willing to clean and cover the cost, we will gladly throw a party every week. I'd also like to see the prep school kid kick someone out of a party or handle a situation where shit hits the fan. Piss the fuck off, man. You're a social studies concentrator, so where's your social skills? Would the humble outdoorsman, the feminist, and the Obama supporters, the marginalized groups which you have supported in the past, be proud of you for making such a bold and ignorant comment? Especially given you have no idea of others' personal, academic, or social circumstances? Fuck no. Go drink some more of your unappreciated privilege while you suck on a cum stained dildo, you tool. How dare you have the nerve to say such dumb comments while being in your extremely naive position. Do you have any fucking idea how that makes people feel? More importantly, do you have any clue how dumb that makes you look? How entitled do you feel when you say shit like that? You're not even 21, you can't even legally consume alcohol...like wut? Be a bit more humbled when you need to be and don't say shit that shows off how arrogant you are. Be a bit more appreciative in life sometimes. The hours the tenman gives up in voluntarily working our parties so ungrateful shit like you can have a good time is evidently not worth it.

Sorry for not throwing a party this weekend, bruh. It's not like you were going to get lucky anyway. Any person willing to have sex with you is just too lazy to rub one out.

Sincerely yours (always and forever),

[redacted]

Yeah, you ivy-league dipshit! Learn to respect everything that those 10 other ivy-league dipshits do for Harvard. They clean up cups!

Here's the full email, if you want more:

Hi Tyler,

We can't throw a party because we are banned by Currier for the next month. We throw parties, but cleaning up sucks, planning is tedious, and other housekeeping items take time, so we don't do it as often as possible. We've had a public party about every other week on average - which we hope is not too bad. But, we also have parties which are not public because the ten people in our suite are part of student organizations who ask us to host sometimes, so "party suite" means more than just public parties by default. Some weekends we can't throw parties because it is LSAT or MCAT. And God forbid we want some weekends without parties. Throwing parties also cost money, time, and planning on many levels. So please take your issue to the Currier administration if you are still upset about our subpar commitment to Currier social life after this email. Or you can also send out an email to the three Solariums asking them the same question you asked us...they're also social spaces, so I'm not sure why you targeted us :/

Honestly we love Currier. We really try really hard to contribute to social life here. I can't imagine senior year without the TenMan. It's the best room ever and I brag about it all the time to my friends. I don't mind cleaning up, or working parties while everyone has a good time, or spending a few bucks on alcohol. I am committed enough that I even built, from scratch, the bar which is currently in the TenMan. I love the tree community - it means a lot to me, but sometimes, things are out of my control. Once you lottery for senior housing, you'll understand that very few groups actually WANT the tenman. But I did, and I am committed to social liveliness. I mean I started the tradition of Wednesday movie nights, live in the tenman, have made several housing day videos, was part of hoco - I am having a good time at Harvard with house life. You're busy resume building by working at the Crimson and stuff, which is admirable, but I don't think that puts you in a position to give us shit.

Please let me explain: two weeks ago, Valentine's day, we threw a party which did not end up great. It was because drunk students like you, Tyler, made some mistakes. As a result, we are banned from parties, for one month, because of students like you, who can't hold their alcohol and fucked it up for the entire house (and campus). Those the likes of you, showed up completely GONE already, puking all over lower main, never even making it to our party. Two confirmed people actually went to the hospital from Currier. Our first (practically unavoidable) mistake was just letting these people know about the party in the first place. I know you were probably drunk, so I forgive you (kind of), for sending that rude email...but I must explain ourselves to the rest of Currier - so in the end, least one good thing can come of your email.

Tyler, I am personally asking you to, next time, privately ask us why we are not currently hosting, instead of assuming things. That may be a slightly better idea. We can then leave it there. Though unlikely, you'd probably even apologize to us for being quite a silly student if you realize your mistake, because until then, "Thought that was a party suite? EOM" (-Tyler [redacted]) will stay that way for you. Consider yourself uninvited for now. Maybe you can throw a party and show us how it is done, because you apparently have nothing better to do on a Saturday night at 2AM, besides cry on Currier Underground - because evidently, you had no party to go to last night, and unfortunately, will have even less in the future. If you need me to spell it out to you AGAIN: we, the TenMan, are following the administration's requests, and taking full responsibility for making the mistake of not being able to properly control students, like you, during our last party. Sorry Currier, we the tenman, fucked up. But hopefully, one out of our six or so public parties this year is excusable. Tyler, we apologize. To show our sincerity, the next party theme we host will be in your honor: "bad hair sTylers," where everyone comes to the party with shitty hair because they can't handle alcohol and passed out drunk before the party, and also just have an overall shitty sTyle - kind of like you. Everyone except Tyler is invited. *Lyke dis if you cry evry thyme 4 Ty13r!*

Everyone, please feel free to tell Mr. Bukakke [redacted], "Thank You, for convincing the TenMan to throw parties again." But first we should let him nap, because he is a "Connoisseur of naps," according to his twitter. Maybe after this unique talent, he will realize he was being a wee-bit mean to us. Again, Currier, I'm begging you, please, let Tyler know how much you appreciate his efforts. PLEASE. He must be the greatest student of us all. I thought you were better than this, Tyler. :( I mean you were admitted to Harvard, Yale, Stanford, University of Pennsylvania, University of Chicago, University of Michigan, Notre Dame, Indiana University and Georgetown, and are a tutor in 40 academic subjects, so I mistakenly thought you were smarter (Yo doe, guys, biology is not on dat list, so I still am more qualified, in at least one subject :P ). Looks like the Phillips Academy prep school kid learned no social skills there. At least your parents have the excuse that you were at boarding school, so they had no time to teach you common sense when it comes to being understanding and having manners. Yale, Stanford, UPenn, U Chicago U Michigan, Notre Dame, Indy U, and Georgetown have been spared of a disgrace of a human being.

Sorry for the rude email. Aside from it, I think we could actually be pretty good friends. In all seriousness, we have a lot in common! I mean, I am from the midwest too, and so I, basically by default, enjoy camping and fishing like you, I am also a feminist like you, and I also worked on the Obama campaign like you; you seem like a pretty nice guy is my point. We both lived in Wigglesworth, and fun fact, you actually live in the SAME room I did my sophomore year, no lie...and so if this trend continues, you will be lucky enough to live in the TenMan your senior year too...where you will be lucky enough to throw parties to your liking, and thereby, doing it way better than us and everyone before us! Money can buy your way to prep school and Harvard, but apparently does a few things to your sense of entitlement and ego. Hopefully, it will make up for it by doing some things to Party Life at Harvard too. So until you are able to throw daddy's money into parties, you'll need to know that sometimes, frequency is out of your control. You are probably blessed with enough money to throw into parties all the time - so maybe that's why it's easy to say "Thought that was a party suite? EOM". I mean it's not like you're the only child in your family, and your dad owns a business and your mom's a dental anesthesiologist (a profession which makes, on average, over $160,000/year)...I mean I might be wrong, in which case I apologize, and you really need to get that picture of yourself off of dogguard.com, because they are stealing your beautiful face....So maybe you can give us some money to fund a party next month? Or maybe you can use it to bribe the house administration so we can start partying this week. Or maybe you can just look at it and use it to check your damn privilege and shove it up your ass, wipe your remaining pride away and flush it down the poor toilet that has to touch your filthy ass to water the trees that are cursed with having to produce oxygen for you. Wanna come clean our room after a party with several hundred people passing through? (Just to give you an idea, we went through over 500 cups during Harvard Yale) Have you ever cleaned - or have people just done it for you? Cause that doesn't happen in our room - we have to clean. If you are willing to clean and cover the cost, we will gladly throw a party every week. I'd also like to see the prep school kid kick someone out of a party or handle a situation where shit hits the fan. Piss the fuck off, man. You're a social studies concentrator, so where's your social skills? Would the humble outdoorsman, the feminist, and the Obama supporters, the marginalized groups which you have supported in the past, be proud of you for making such a bold and ignorant comment? Especially given you have no idea of others' personal, academic, or social circumstances? Fuck no. Go drink some more of your unappreciated privilege while you suck on a cum stained dildo, you tool. How dare you have the nerve to say such dumb comments while being in your extremely naive position. Do you have any fucking idea how that makes people feel? More importantly, do you have any clue how dumb that makes you look? How entitled do you feel when you say shit like that? You're not even 21, you can't even legally consume alcohol...like wut? Be a bit more humbled when you need to be and don't say shit that shows off how arrogant you are. Be a bit more appreciative in life sometimes. The hours the tenman gives up in voluntarily working our parties so ungrateful shit like you can have a good time is evidently not worth it.

Sorry for not throwing a party this weekend, bruh. It's not like you were going to get lucky anyway. Any person willing to have sex with you is just too lazy to rub one out.

Sincerely yours (always and forever),

[redacted]

P.S. If your email has been hacked, be mad at the person who hacked it, not me for the strongly worded email.

P.P.S. ^That was my senior thesis.