Heartbroken Dude Attacks Ex-Girlfriend And Ex-Best Friend Via T-Shirts

When your girlfriend hooks up with your best friend, living well is the best revenge, but the second-best revenge is selling $13 sky-blue T-shirts emblazoned with "Fuck You Todd & Jessica!" as the pretense for an all-caps rant in which you lambaste Jessica as a "CHERUBIC CONCUBINE TWAT LORD" and inform Todd that "IF YOU WERE ON FIRE AND I HAD A BUCKET OF WATER, I WOULD LET MY DOG DRINK FROM THE BUCKET FIRST, AND THEN PUT YOU OUT WITH WHATEVER WAS LEFT."

Deadspin staff opinion is that this is a) probably fake and b) hilarious. Sales-wise, at press time this guy is 25 shirts shy of his 25-shirt goal, and we are not about to be his first customer, but here anyway are his top five sickest burns:

5. "NEVER TRAVEL TO AFRICA BECAUSE POACHERS MIGHT MISTAKE YOU FOR A RHINO YOU FAT POT BELLIED HERMAPHRODITE."

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4. "YOU SHOULD JUST NAME YOUR FIRST BORN CRO MAGNON."

3. "PEOPLE USED TO THINK I WAS A BIG FOOT HUNTER WHEN THEY SAW ME WITH YOU."

2. "YOUR TEETH LOOK LIKE THEY ARE WRITING A NOVEL IN WINGDINGS."

1. "AS FOR YOU TODD, YOU ARE A BITCH OF THE HIGHEST ORDER."

It's a Hanes Tagless t-shirt, by the way; I hear those are pretty nice.