According to Democrats, WikiLeaks is little more than a Kremlin intelligence lackey. According to Republicans, it’s a vehicle for truth in a rigged world. What neither side seems aware of, however, is the real secret Julian Assange has been harboring: some of the worst branded apparel you have ever seen.

Here are just a few of the nightmares hiding in WikiLeaks’s online shop. Coincidentally, these are the only items Edward Snowden is allowed to own. So please, enjoy.


One Nation Under Drone, Unisex Fleece Zip Hoodie, $60

WikiLeaks’s Description

One Nation Under Drone—E Pluribus Destructum—WikiLeaks, holding warmongers accountable since 2006. Design created by GlitschkaStudios.com Thanks for their generous donation to help WikiLeaks.

A true classic, this comfy, cozy zip-up is the definition of an all-arounder. Wear it alone as a light outer layer, or throw it on under a jacket — there’s no wrong way to sport this fuzzy, warm hoodie from American Apparel.

Our Description

Would have been just as easy and much less infuriating to make “drone” plural so that the sweatshirt was grammatically correct? Probably! Either way, I don’t suggest wearing this to an airport.


Full Docs or GTFO, Men’s T-Shirt, $29

WikiLeaks’s Description

The WikiLeaks’ variation on the GTFO meme... highlights the importance of public access to full source documents, essential for journalists and researchers. Help WikiLeaks keep doing what it does best!

This t-shirt is perfect for that tailored look. Throw it on under a sweater or sweatshirt, or wear it by itself with a pair of jeans or khakis.

Our Description

Do you love classic, hilarious internet memes, like “GTFO”? Are you WikiLeaks founder and wanted man Julian Assange? Then boy do I have the shirt for you.


Edward Snowden iPad Case, $23

WikiLeaks’s Description

This form-fitting case is perfect for showing off your iPad’s sleek and elegant shape and style. It provides good scratch and scuff protection for your tablet’s cover and is an essential item for elongating device life. All designs/images should be uploaded at 400 dpi.

Our Description

You’d think a WikiLeaks iPad case would, at the very least, cover up the camera surveilling your home, your loved ones, and everything you hold dear. You’d be wrong.


Bill Clinton Bimbo Poll, Men’s T-Shirt, $20

WikiLeaks’s Description

Mock twitter poll—Which is worse? Bill Clinton A. Dicking bimbos, B. At home. From leaked email: Former US Secretary of State Colin Powell on Bill Clinton, July 2014. “I would rather not have to vote for her, although she is a friend I respect. A 70-year old person with a long track record unbridled ambition, greedy, not transformational, with a husband still dicking bimbos at home (according to the NYP).”

This is our best seller for a reason. Relaxed, tailored and ultra-comfortable, you’ll love the way you look in this durable, reliable classic.

Our Description

Here’s an apparently nonexistent Twitter poll that doesn’t actually make sense—a best seller. It comes in pink.


Not So Leaky Umbrella, $30

WikiLeaks’s Description

Spreadshirt’s umbrella is the perfect shelter for that walk to school or the office when it’s nasty outside. Great for the rain, snow or relentless sunshine, our pop-out nylon umbrella comes complete with a carrying pouch for easy and reliable accessibility.

Our Description

Only slightly better than a Gadsden flag version that reads “Don’t Rain On Me.”


First they came for Assange, Men’s T-Shirt, $35

WikiLeaks’s Description

Four years after Julian Assange passed through the gates of the Ecuador Embassy in London, asking for asylum, people from all over the world join their voices in order to ask that this unbelievable persecution is brought to an end.

This t-shirt is perfect for that tailored look. Throw it on under a sweater or sweatshirt, or wear it by itself with a pair of jeans or khakis.

Our Description

The perfect shirt for anyone furious that Sweden is trying to question a man accused of rape. Has a kitten on it.


Big Brother Computer Backpack, $41.99

WikiLeaks’s Description

Perfect for students, businessmen on the go or your favorite local hipster who needs to carry his laptop with him on his vintage bike, this computer backpack has all the bells and whistles. Dedicated padded laptop storage, a guaranteed-to-keep-your-stuff-organized interior, headphone port… what more could you need?

Our Description

Are you the kid who runs everywhere on campus for no reason? You are now.


WikiLeaks Dog Bandana, $20

WikiLeaks’s Description

Wikileals Dog Bandana with dripping globe logo on it

Dogs are a man’s best friend and this bandana is a dog’s best friend. Your dog has a personality in its own right, so let it shine through with this great accessory.

Our Description

Please don’t do this to your dog.


Keep Calm and Encrypt, Unisex Fleece Zip Hoodie, $56.00

WikiLeaks’s Description

“...the paths of encipherment between people can mesh together to create regions free from the coercive force of the outer state. Free from mass interception. Free from state control... Cryptography is the ultimate form of non-violent direct action... It is time to take up the arms of our new world, to fight for ourselves and for those we love.” Julian Assange (A Call to Cryptographic Arms)

A true classic, this comfy, cozy zip-up is the definition of an all-arounder. Wear it alone as a light outer layer, or throw it on under a jacket — there’s no wrong way to sport this fuzzy, warm hoodie from American Apparel.

Our Description

Actually, I own this in red.


WikiLeaks Boxer Shorts, Men’s Boxer Shorts, $28

WikiLeaks’s Description

WikiLeaks boxer shorts with the iconic dripping globe.

These comfortable classic men’s boxer shorts are equipped with a button fly and an exposed gray elastic waistband.

Our Description

Do you think that Julian Assange wears these on a daily basis? Because I do.

And do you think that it looks like there is information-rich ejaculate running down the right thigh? Because again, my friend, I do.


Edward Snowden - Whistleblower, Women’s T-Shirt, $22

WikiLeaks’s Description

Help WikiLeaks support Edward Snowden, surveillance state whistleblower, with this great design from LibertyManiacs.com - illustration by Dan McCall. In a statement, Edward Snowden has said ‘I believe in the principle declared at Nuremberg in 1945: “Individuals have international duties which transcend the national obligations of obedience. Therefore individual citizens have the duty to violate domestic laws to prevent crimes against peace and humanity from occurring.’ State spying on us all, turning citizens into suspects, surely falls in to that category. Support the whistleblowers who risk all for you!

This relaxed fit classic offers plenty of room and is ideal for most body types. Perfect as an outer or under layer, this versatile t-shirt is a must-have for all wardrobes.

Our Description

Forget the stupid shirt. I will tell your right now that LibertyManiacs.com is exactly what you think it is, assuming that what you think it is is a Busted Tees for disaffected former Ron Paul voters.


WikiLeaks, Men’s Polo Shirt, $30

WikiLeaks’s Description

Wikileaks Polo Shirt for men.

The polo shirt is not just for tennis or golf anymore; in fact, it spans the entire style spectrum from street savvy to country club chic. It’s perfect when dressed up or dressed down. Paired with jeans or khakis, this versatile piece deserves a spot in your lineup.

Our Description

Go fuck yourself.