Hey guys, Mother's Day is coming! Don't bother with a present. All she wants is a card, and for you to avoid the following things:

Advertisement

1. Excessive TV volume

2. Those kitchen cabinets

Advertisement

3. Large portions of meat

4. Eastbound & Down

5. Poorly arranged shoes

Sponsored

6. Fast boats

7. Faster cars

Advertisement

8. Motorcycles

9. Salt

Advertisement

10. Just chilling out for a sec

11. Not staying in one lane on the highway

12. Slayer

Advertisement

13. Hot tubs

14. Using the wrong towel

Advertisement

15. Anal

16. Additives

Advertisement

17. Preservatives

18. Your most fun friend

19. Biking down steep hills

Advertisement

20. "All that sugar"

21. Ostentatiously sized televisions

Advertisement

22. All football announcers at all times

23. Going to the mall on a sunny day

Advertisement

24. Letting the screen door slam shut on its own

25. Billy Bob Thornton

26. Tracking dirt inside the house

Advertisement

27. Slothful lifeguards

28. Leaving the house without proper shoes

Advertisement

29. Leaving the house without an emergency extra layer of clothing

30. Stopping for food on the road instead of bringing 50 small bags of apple slices

Advertisement

31. Sliding your hand along the escalator railing

32. Sharing cups

33. Hotel bedspreads

Advertisement

34. Wiping up something from the floor using the kitchen-sink sponge

35. The threat of undercooked poultry

Advertisement

36. Mildew

37. Enriched white flour

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com. You can also buy Drew's new Kindle Single, The Rover, through Amazon.

Image by David Saracino.

Advertisement

The Concourse is Deadspin's home for culture/food/whatever coverage. Follow us on Twitter:@DSconcourse.