Hey guys, Mother's Day is coming! Don't bother with a present. All she wants is a card, and for you to avoid the following things:

1. Excessive TV volume

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2. Those kitchen cabinets

3. Large portions of meat

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4. Eastbound & Down

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5. Poorly arranged shoes

6. Fast boats

7. Faster cars

8. Motorcycles

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9. Salt

10. Just chilling out for a sec

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11. Not staying in one lane on the highway

12. Slayer

13. Hot tubs

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14. Using the wrong towel

15. Anal

16. Additives

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17. Preservatives

18. Your most fun friend

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19. Biking down steep hills

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20. "All that sugar"

21. Ostentatiously sized televisions

22. All football announcers at all times

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23. Going to the mall on a sunny day

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24. Letting the screen door slam shut on its own

25. Billy Bob Thornton

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26. Tracking dirt inside the house

27. Slothful lifeguards

28. Leaving the house without proper shoes

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29. Leaving the house without an emergency extra layer of clothing

30. Stopping for food on the road instead of bringing 50 small bags of apple slices

31. Sliding your hand along the escalator railing

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32. Sharing cups

33. Hotel bedspreads

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34. Wiping up something from the floor using the kitchen-sink sponge

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35. The threat of undercooked poultry

36. Mildew

37. Enriched white flour

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Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com. You can also buy Drew's new Kindle Single, The Rover, through Amazon.

Image by David Saracino.

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The Concourse is Deadspin's home for culture/food/whatever coverage. Follow us on Twitter:@DSconcourse.