Boner Dog Is Feeling Super Conflicted About His Giant Dog Boner

Sure, in one sense, this boner dog is from back in 2013. But, in another, larger, truer sense, this boner dog is a timeless boner dog. Look at those sad eyes. It's a heavy burden, this enormous dog boner. Who will help me bear this dog boner? Can't even get any work done in my office chair. » 9/18/14 2:31pm Yesterday 2:31pm

You Need More Bruce Lee In Your Life; Start With The Chinese Connection

The most iconic moment in 1972's Bruce Lee vehicle The Chinese Connection, and maybe of his entire career, comes when he walks into a Japanese dojo with a sign that the Japanese, as an insult, left at his teacher's funeral. He says he'll take on anyone in the dojo, and when one guy steps up, Lee spends about a… » 9/18/14 1:58pm Yesterday 1:58pm

A Gentleman's Guide To Sex In Prison

When I tell people that I recently finished serving a 10-year prison sentence for armed robbery, mostly in maximum-security facilities, I often feel a question lingering in the air. The moment I sense it, I try to respond to the awkward silence in some offhanded way, though it is hard to be blithe and whimsical when… » 9/18/14 1:16pm Yesterday 1:16pm

Lost Was The Best Before It Was The Worst

The end of Lost sucked. Holy fuck, did it suck. It was really, truly, completely the worst — a mushy, indefensible cop-out that failed to resolve many of the show's central mysteries and seemed to argue against reason in favor of a vaguely defined faith in … what, exactly? Did the writers themselves even know? The… » 9/18/14 10:28am Yesterday 10:28am

Bro Haughtily Tries To Exit Drinking Competition, Fails

Each year, the University College Dublin hosts an event known as Iron Stomach, in which a group of freshmen sit on a stage and are forced to eat and drink absurd amounts of gross things. The proceedings are nasty enough to necessitate a large trough—meant for collecting puke, spit, and whatever the hell else—being… » 9/17/14 6:06pm Wednesday 6:06pm

Family Futile: This Is Where I Leave You, Reviewed

This Is Where I Leave You feels like a social experiment in how much slack we're willing to cut a movie filled with actors we like. There's nothing particularly new or interesting in this umpteenth story about a family coming together after the death of one of their own, and yet the collective goodwill accrued by … » 9/17/14 1:30pm Wednesday 1:30pm

Sierra Nevada Flipside Red IPA Is A Decent "September Beer" Forgery

I talk to a lot of beer geeks these days, which isn't as bad as it sounds. But, brothers and sisters, it's still not always good. A lot of these conversations quickly devolve into pissing contests over who has spent more time waiting in brewery parking lots in Vermont or who's got a bigger stash of obscure Belgian… » 9/16/14 2:29pm Tuesday 2:29pm

Why Do People Hit Their Kids?

There's an old episode of What's Happening!! where Roger fucks up, and his mom decides to beat his ass (this is actually the plot of every episode of What's Happening!!). So his mom asks Rerun for his belt, only Rerun is 300-plus pounds, so when he takes out his belt, it's like eight feet long. And Roger's mom… » 9/16/14 11:04am Tuesday 11:04am

Drink Sapporo With Your Sushi, Like A Reasonable Person

Even though I'm a fervent season-change denier, the lengthening of sleeves and shortening of afternoons is making it harder and harder to avoid the reality of the impending fall. But the silver lining there is that my wedding anniversary is in the fall, so now's as good a time as any to lead off a beer review by… » 9/15/14 2:09pm Monday 2:09pm

Spotify's Playlist Generator Doesn't Know Me At All

Sometimes I think it would be cool for my computer to know me better—not quite Her level, but just a bit more intuitive, you know? "Hey, dude, looking great; I bet you'd like a pizza." That kind of thing. But I know we're still a ways off from that, because the other day, when I opened up Spotify, it suggested a… » 9/15/14 12:13pm Monday 12:13pm

How To Make A Baked Egg--Yes, Goddammit, A Baked Egg

You say "baked egg" and people look at you like they're concerned for your wellbeing and go, "...baked egg?" And you go, "Yeah, y'know, like a shirred egg, only more Italian," and they go, "What in the damn hell is a 'shirred egg'?" And then you say, "Oh, goddammit, now I'm gonna have to write about this in my… » 9/13/14 12:32pm Saturday 12:32pm

Watch This Bonkers Universal Soldier Sequel, But Skip The First Scene

Universal Soldier, you may remember, was a blast of pure 1992 cheese in which Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren play reanimated Vietnam super-soldiers who fight each other. It was pretty good! It was, in fact, the only pretty good movie ever made by German director Roland Emmerich, and its success is, in some… » 9/11/14 2:29pm 9/11/14 2:29pm

Jazz Needs A Better Sense of Humor

What can it mean for jazz as a living art when the most hotly debated genre event of 2014 was a satirical post on a humor blog? Only Charlie Haden's death earlier that month can rival the New Yorker's awkward July 31 unveiling of writer Django Gold's "Sonny Rollins: In His Own Words," a 480-word goof later appended… » 9/11/14 11:11am 9/11/14 11:11am