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How To Take Your Kids Backpacking

I am unable to take a vacation. I go on vacations, but the idea of just sitting around doing nothing is pure torture. On our honeymoon, I made my new bride go on a canoe trip, which ended poorly when I paddled her directly into a scraggly bush overhanging the riverbank. Our first fight as a married couple! Some years… »9/03/15 2:45pmToday 2:45pm

The New Miley Cyrus Record Is Exhausting, But Might Be Worth It Anyway

So what we’ve got here is Miley Cyrus singing a morbid piano ballad called “Pablow the Blowfish.” She’s wearing fluffy unicorn pajamas and playing an electric piano in an ersatz cornfield; additional props include a stuffed unicorn on a stool and an inflatable Super Mario Bros. power-up mushroom. Verily, the song is… »9/02/15 12:20pmYesterday 12:20pm

Kool Keith's Relaxing Guide To Wine

Beloved as a hip-hop eccentric, Kool Keith is best known for traveling at the speed of thought with the Ultramagnetic MC’s and, as a solo artist, embracing a wide range of brilliant personas, from Dr. Octagon to Black Elvis to Clean Man. Another of those characters goes by the name of Fly Ricky the Wine Taster, who… »9/01/15 2:18pmTuesday 2:18pm

Wes Craven, RIP: The Mild-Mannered King Of Our Nightmares

By all accounts, Wes Craven was a lovely human being: a mild professorial type who made the people around him comfortable. In interviews, he came off as an excellent teller of dad jokes, and did not have an intimidating or particularly unsettling presence. But in three successive decades, the writer/director/auteur… »8/31/15 3:27pmMonday 3:27pm

Hurricane Katrina Anniversary Pieces: An Exhaustive Guide

Journalists are inherently sick fucks. Of course, we need to be—that’s how we get the news, and telling the stories of disadvantaged, voiceless people is just about the best reason to get into this racket. But there’s still something gross at the heart of the impulse to turn Tragedy into Content—even amazingly great… »8/31/15 1:50pmMonday 1:50pm

An Adult's Guide To Learning To Swim

I truly believe swimmers are not born, but are made (excluding Michael Phelps and his insane body, of course). If you got past childhood without learning how to swim, it’s very possible that you’re now stricken with fear/embarrassment at the prospect. That makes perfect sense; it’s really hard to learn things as… »8/28/15 3:59pm8/28/15 3:59pm

Kickboxer Is Even Sillier Than You Remember, And Even Better, Too

I’m pretty sure the first animated gif I ever saw was Jean-Claude Van Damme dancing in a Thai bar in Kickboxer. The image is the sort of thing that sticks with you: his khakis hiked up to a near-Urkel level, his spaghetti-strap tank top just barely managing to exist, his face contorted into what I guess is supposed to… »8/28/15 11:31am8/28/15 11:31am

A Complete Guide To Buying Her Flowers

You wanted to do something nice for your girlfriend—maybe even a little corny. And, hey, look, there’s a supermarket with a flower section on your way home from work! Buying flowers sounds easy, until towers of flowers are staring back at you (labeled with scientific names almost nobody actually uses), as you try to… »8/27/15 1:31pm8/27/15 1:31pm

America Has Lost The War Against Guns

Yesterday morning in Roanoke, Va., a man named Vester Lee Flanagan walked up to newscaster Alison Parker and cameraman Adam Ward as they were filming a segment for local TV station WDBJ, and, using a handgun, shot them to death. (He also critically wounded Vicki Gardner, the woman Parker and Ward were interviewing;… »8/27/15 12:23pm8/27/15 12:23pm